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True wealth lies in healthy relationships You have a relationship with everything and everyone including yourself. Many people would rather talk about sex than money. Money is a complex subject. It can stir up a lot of intense emotions, especially in relationships with family members, parents, children, friends and partners. Your relationship with money reflects your beliefs about money and wealth. Money can be a source of friction in many relationships. Financial struggle or financial freedom is the result of your relationship with Money. Changing how you think about money can help you solve your financial problems and build better relationships. The Conscious Relationship workshops will focus on building greater connection and intimacy in relationships. Frequently the biggest problems in couple relationships have to do with communication about sex, love and or money. These subjects tend to be avoided as “taboo topics” and end up being the source of arguments and misunderstandings. The Conscious Relationship workshop helps people to feel increasingly comfortable in discussing their sexuality and abundance making a huge difference in their relationships.
It is always in peoples thoughts, however talking about money is a different matter. The ambivalence expressed when talking about money creates many misunderstandings and difficulties with communication. Many people have been taught etiquette about money which impedes personal growth and freedom, with notions such as; it is impolite to talk or ask how much something costs or how much money someone earns. Being in debt and not having enough money creates stress and worry, it disturbs your peace of mind. It is often the culprit behind many arguments and powers struggles, separations and divorces.
Many People understand that the stress in your life can be directly linked to the clutter and distractions you create on a daily basis. There is a growing desire to live more simply and harmoniously with the environment, to reduce distractions and focus on what is most important in life.
The source of love is deep in us and we can help others realize a lot of happiness. One word, one action, one thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring that person joy.Not being on the same page with your partner financially or managing differences in attitudes towards money can create conflict in relationships. Living in a Society is dominated by materialism can impact and shape the course of your relationships. Materialism can lead to stress and discord in relationships. True happiness can be found in healthy relationships.
Your attitude towards money can reveal the deepest aspects of your personality and insecurities. You may have a feeling, largely unconscious, that it might reveal too much about you. It might reveal your irrationality, impulsiveness and the thoughtless nature of your attitudes towards money. Money can be used as a way to deal with anxiety and separation issues, i.e. having lots of it can prevent you from feeling unsafe in the world. Conversely, Lack of money can be felt as a threat to safety and can give rise to depression and feelings of emptiness and arguments in relationships. Couples and individuals on the workshops learn how their personal histories and beliefs are often at the source of their conflict with finances.
Erich Fromm described society as having an orientation towards greed for money; fame and power which have become dominant themes in many people’s lives. Humanity needs to transform its consciousness from a culture of greed, materialism, consumerism and exploitation into one of love, sustainable practices and humanity.
The only wisdom we can rely on comes from the teachings of compassion, love, generosity, gratitude and Truth. Life invites each of you to step through an endless series of doorways into consciousness. If you are receptive enough to see these openings as opportunities, and have surrendered enough to pass through them, you will find yourself growing into greater self-knowledge and expanding beyond your old limitations.
Your relationship with money reflects power struggles, how you receive or and withhold affection in relationships and your relationship with desire. Messages such as: “A penny saved is a penny earned”; “Money doesn’t grow on trees”; “Money is the root of all evil”; “Money makes life easier etc… If you observed your family struggling financially, you may have developed the belief that “Money is hard to come by.” Perhaps your family had financial ease, which included great family vacations and play time, and you grew up believing “Money is plentiful and easily come by.”
Maybe you had enough money, but you saw your parents working hard and having little time for family. Creating internalized messages such as “I need to neglect my family in order to provide for them” or “Money creates suffering.” Money can be viewed as a source of pride and shame which is reinforced by cultural conditioning. Your relationship with money can help you to understand how you care for yourself and others.
Understanding how your sabotaging beliefs about earning money and having money can help you to negotiate these complex issues of money in intimate relationships and beyond. Most of you know that money cannot buy happiness. Difficulties with money and relationships are symptomatic of deeper issues that have not been addressed.
Money is symbolic of many themes to do with being loved and taken care of, it can bring up issues of dependency and survival. It can symbolise domination, value and self-worth, exploitation, power, control, reward, adoration or seduction. It can symbolise domination, value and self-worth, exploitation, power, control, reward, adoration or seduction. When people function from an instinctual level, they are concerned with hunger, fear, the need for rest, warmth, and shelter. Threats to survival stimulate the adrenal glands for that burst of extra energy needed for fight or flight. As the body gets energized, awareness is heightened. The challenge of survival requires us to think and act quickly, and to create solutions. We need only turn on the news to discover the destruction when people act from a place of fear.
Abundance in your life is experienced in direct proportion to the level of Self Love and Self Care you give yourself. Getting clear about Finances includes facing the reality of how much money is coming in, how much is being spent and where it’s being spent. Do you combine your incomes and expenses, or keep them completely separate or some where in between? Being clear leads to positive changes. The Conscious Realtionship workshop will focus on building greater intimacy in relationships.
A clients’ view of therapy. Whether we know it or not, social exchange is right at the heart of our human concerns. As social creatures, is there more to life than enriching give and take and fulfilling relationships? If we have a rapport with others and with ourselves that is loving and supportive, we feel nourished and alive. If our connections are ailing, we may suffer profoundly as a result. In this era, specific help is available for improving the way we interact with others. By working with skilled facilitators we can reap the rewards of shift made to our understanding and our behaviour, regarding ourselves and beyond. If you think of the many kinds of human relationship and, in relation to them, the many more types of personal difficulties experienced, you can sense the complexity of problems that therapists, worldwide, seek to address. Regardless of differences in symptoms, a critical part of healing relationship predicaments is coming to acknowledge that, as adults, we are now personally responsible for the quality of exchanges in our lives. This fact is both hard to swallow and empowering. A therapist is someone who helps us realise that we can effect change and how we can begin to promote healing. This weekend I attended a two-day workshop created and facilitated by therapist Aisha Ali. Under the banner of her healing project, Living from The Heart, Aisha offers a dynamic and comfortable space to engage with personal hitches we may experience in our relationships. Under her safe intervention we strategically cut to the chase of difficulties and take a driving seat in moving through obstacles. Aisha Ali runs a variety of weekend workshops to assist in making positive transformations in life. The one I attended focused on our own ‘shadow’ self and how that impacts our lives in an everyday way. In the group, there were seven people, plus Aisha. The weekend was held in a room that was enclosing, private and conducive to opening up to the nitty-gritty of honest therapeutic work. I didn’t know anything about the shadow self before we began. I entered the weekend with little clue as to what the work would entail and what scale of effect the weekend might have on me. Aisha led us forward into group activities that rapidly brought us to connect truthfully with ourselves. Using a combination of physical movements we tapped into our physical and energetic body, which is a resource of wisdom, honesty and insight. Through group exercises we also connected with each other in a way that was unself-conscious and supportive to our individual processes. Though we were a group, the issues we brought forward were dealt with in a very personal manner. Without any judgement the obstacles that confronted us were accepted and treated with respect. This level of trust was testimony to the atmosphere of safety and openness generated for the occasion. Though we were delving into our innermost selves, nothing about the facilitation felt jarring, abrupt or superfluous. After the exercises it was remarkable how much more relaxed, alert and focused we all were in preparation for the explorations. There was a very carefully selected range of music that powerfully aided the aims of the weekend. I observed, with some amazement, extensive ground being covered in a short period of time. In fact, I hadn’t anticipated how much unfolding could occur in one single weekend. I observed that under the right conditions, shift happens quite dramatically. The process looking at our shadow selves was a journey we each undertook and what is important is that the workshop was suitable for everyone. It was made clear that each person only delved as deep and as far as they were individually ready and comfortable to do. This is not to say that the process was unchallenging. Through attentive guidance, the right degree of enquiry and discovery was set before us, and the accompanying willing to face this was encouraged. I believe that the proof of a workshop is in the pudding. Having been stimulated in various ways to perceive and to begin to integrate my shadow self I felt an enthusiasm for this process that left me a convert to ‘shadow work’. I noticed that I went out into the world with such a fortified confidence that I marvelled at my own social relaxedness. There is a power to group-work that reaches parts that one-on-one therapy seems not to do. The reflections and the difficulties that others shared were enormously helpful and accelerated my understanding of my own behaviours. There was something mechanical to the weekend that began to fix problems in a rudimentary way. I found the comments of the people who shared this time with me uncanny in their accuracy and pertinence. Though it was a group aimed at helping the individual, it felt clear that the insights discovered, and the shift observed, was a collective group-experience. I heartily recommend Living From The Heart workshops to anyone wishing to improve the quality of their relationships with themselves and others in a down to earth and honest way. A clients’ point view of therapy Participant November 2012
What are the healthy Characteristics of negotiation in Relationships A healthy functional intimate relationship is based on equality and respect, not power and control. Think about how you treat and desire to be treated by someone you care about. The quality of a negotiation depends upon two things; the quality of the basic relationship between the two people and the quality of the communication that takes place. A good relationship with good communication between two people should enable successful negotiation. A poor relationship with poor communication is likely to create unhealthy relationships. Too often people try to use negotiating skills from the office at home these – skills do not translate into relational tools. The health of a relationship impacts the quality of communication between two people. If you do not trust someone, you are in danger of either disregarding what they say or looking for hidden meanings that may or may not actually exist. The health of a relationship impacts heavily upon negotiation and is a major influencing factor on the likelihood of both partners getting what they need to flourish and grow. Trust This means being supportive, wanting the best for your partner, knowing your partner likes you, and being able to rely on your partner, offering encouragement when necessary, and being comfortable with your partner having different friends and interests.
Intimate relationships are complex, they can be identified by a growing degree of attachment or dependence – in other words, how much we ‘need’ the other person. Attachment or dependence can be hard to negotiate because it defines vulnerability. It is usually our own dependence – our own vulnerability – that we find difficult to confront and to accept. Like it or not, however, dependence, vulnerability, and consequently power are influencing factors in all relationships. You might feel that you control the power balance, that you are subject to it or that it is equal. Nevertheless, it exists and it is a major influencing factor.
Types of power
Positional power This type of power comes from one person’s position in relation to another. For instance, one partner may have more financial wealth or may have power because of the position that he or she occupies at work, the other partner may have less power because of the way in which their partner perceives them and the division of finances, decisions making or labour in the home. Positional power is characterised by a need for the relationship to continue. Information power As individuals, the more information that we have, the more we feel able to control what is going on about us. This form of control involves one person having more information than another and using it to control the other person’s uncertainty. People can become dependent upon others because of their need to control their own uncertainty.
Control of rewards Buying a sports car to reward a partner for their compliance is an example of this. Paying for everything in the relationship. This is about having the power to reward for desired performance or behaviour. This type of power creates dependency upon the person giving the reward.
Coercive power This is about having the power to punish for failure to behave in a desired fashion. This type of power is also likely to create dependency. People can depend on not being punished as well as depend on being rewarded.
Alliances and networks This concerns the relationships with Social networks (Facebook Literally) and real ones with Family and friends. This is an extended form of information power together with positional power.
Access to and control of agendas If one person controls what terms of the relationship are negotiated, they can effectively set the ground rules i.e. when one partner wants complete control of their partner’s behaviours and loyalty without any relationship skills or creation of the necessary skills to create a healthy relationship. This avoids intimacy. One person focussed on conditions that are favourable to themselves and for needs and requests from their partners that are unfavourable to be blocked. When the discussion is controlled, the relationship becomes dependent on the other to explain the rules for communication and subsequently negotiation. This is unhealthy in adult relationships and creates a power imbalance.
Power All negotiation is about power. Because there are always power imbalances in a relationship, negotiation goes on all the time. No matter what your overall approach to negotiation, you may need to consider the nature of power. Remember that the power in the relationship will influence how intimacy is negotiated. There are many ways people play out power dynamics in relationships through money, sex, decision making, and giving or withholding affection.
Healthy negotiation in an intimate relationship
Accepting responsibility for yourself, means looking after your needs without holding someone else responsible for your life. If you need help get it. Acknowledge past and previous bad behaviour including verbal, emotional or physical violence. Being able to say sorry and admit when you are wrong goes a long way to creating harmony in a relationship. Be sure to communicate openly and honestly. Keep your agreements. Do not create excuses for you or your partner actions. A healthy Relationship is built on truth rather than game playing and deception.
Good Communication Good Communication is based on clarifying issues, specifying feelings, and working together for mutually satisfying solutions. If one partner does something that hurts the other in any way they can take responsibility, and make needed changes in their demonstration of love for the other partner.Any two people can have different perceptions. Differences are not a problem; it is how two people deal with differences. It is often best to take a conscious approach to making decisions in relationships. There is no right or wrong. Take time to listen and reflect. Navigating your desires and reactions. Stop the internal dialogue with yourself about the other person’s motivations and emotions. Ask questions instead of making assumptions. Work towards finding mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, this means talking. Take time to work what your desires and needs are. They are just as valid as your partner’s. You do not need to agree or even understand differences in opinion to respect your partner. When differences come up observe the situation from your partner’s point of view. No issue or problem is more important than the relationship. When one person wins an argument there will always be a loser rather than two people winning. Conscious decision making Making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements, sharing dating expenses, accepting both partners need to hold a job. Making decisions together, splitting or alternating costs on dates. Being mindful of the other person’s needs as well as your own – doing things for each other, going places you both enjoy, giving as much as you receive. Basic Steps to Maintaining a Good, Healthy Relationship • Be conscious of what both want for yourselves and from the relationship. • Be vocal about what your needs are communicate them assertively. Neither of you are mind readers • Recognise that your partner will not be able to meet all of your needs. These can be met outside of the relationship. • Do expect your partner to change to meet all your expectations. Accept differences that you see between your ideal how you would like things to be & the reality of who they really are. • Expect conflict. It’s healthy and be willing to negotiate & • Observe and have compassions and empathy. See things from their point of view. You don’t have to agree to respect and understand differences. • Healthy relationships take continual work and effort to maintain. Take your relationships’ Temperature • How well do you and your partners listen to each other? When you and your partner talk, do you look each other in the eye and really listen, is one of you pre-empting a response before the other has finished talking? • How willing are you to take responsibility for your role in your relationship? Many people are good at finding fault in others; particularly those with whom they are in relationship. How capable are you of both identifying your relational limitations and working to change them? • Re you willing to make compromises? Generally and in your daily routine are you conscious of your partners’ likes and dislikes, sensitivities and emotional needs? Do you allow your partner to make compromises for you? In order for a relationship to be balanced and healthy, each person needs to assert his or her own needs and be responsive to those of their partner. • Do you both recognise the qualities you enjoy and appreciate about each other? Are you able to express these, or are they left unsaid? Over time, couples have a tendency to take each other for granted, recognition; appreciation and affection need to be regularly exchanged, in ways that work for both partners. • Are you able to express your concerns without fear of how your partner will react? I Are you both able to express concerns gently and respectfully and do you become harsh or ridiculing? How you express the things that bother you matters at least as much as what your concerns were in the first place. These factors share common themes: mutual respect, openness and consideration. Take time to consider that your care, attentiveness & respect in your romantic relationship are the gifts that matter most every day and create a healthy loving relationship.
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Aisha Ali is a much sought after relationship specialist. She is known for her intuitive insight, she is very skilled at getting to the core of issues and helping individuals and couples transform unwanted repeated patterns. Her clients experience support clarity, awareness and a sense of peace, balance and accomplishment.