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Some of your most basic beliefs about love & intimacy are all wrong.
For over twenty years, I have worked with people from all walks of life, who get stuck in a cycle of pain, disappointment, finding it hard to sustain a healthy relationship. By changing your view of relationships and widening your perspective on intimacy, it creates an opportunity for relationships to not only survive, but thrive!
Love addiction, intimacy avoidant beliefs & patterns of behaviours;
What causes love addiction or avoidance of intimacy?
It is hard to feel love when you are angry. Happiness depends on the quality of your inner life, your thoughts, emotions, beliefs and desires when directed towards finding inner peace and love. In essence, you might develop addictions or avoidance to shield yourself from love, or painful feelings. Suffering with negative, inflexible thoughts and emotions, fraught with anger, resentment and criticism, experiencing a loss of connection, perhaps not having experienced hope or love for a long time. You might expose yourself to a serious emotional vacuum and mistake intensity in a relationship for intimacy and love.
The causes are fairly easy to identify: a history of abandonment, inadequate or inconsistent nurturing without proper bonding, or a lack of emotional connection with a parent rooted in a mature, stable place that nurtures and supports a child. No consistent positive role models of loving relationships. Holding unrealistic fantasises, values and beliefs about love. People struggle with an unconscious fear of of both abandonment and of intimacy.
A quintessential characteristic of avoidance is a person who, consistently keeps an emotional and mental distance from their partner, feels overwhelmed by their partners’ desire for closeness, feels stifled by thoughts or pressures of vulnerability, they rely on escape, through distancing strategies. A person who is blocked from love, both desires and fears relationships, because they did not have a connection in childhood that comforted them, from fear or the emptiness of abandonment, they did not learn that relationships can be healing. People, often create intensity outside of their relationship, to relieve feelings of disconnection and unhappiness.
Conscious Fear Unconscious Fear
Emotional Growth & Intimacy
People who lack emotional maturity, find it hard to deal with their emotions and challenges in life. This is very painful; relationships are often short lived; they find it challenging to maintain relationships of any depth. Compromise is almost impossible, their capacity to understand or respond to another person is limited. They find emotions difficult to handle. In an attempt to avoid feelings, they control their world by creating an idealised version, being extreme in their behaviour, or having black and white thinking. Over coming this mind set is an important part of growing emotionally, which involves learning to develop coping strategies and relationship skills.
Relationships are places where this wound shows up. When you are not in a relationship, you can navigate life on your own terms, addressing your needs and wants. You are rarely confronted by the needs of another person in a meaningful way or need to listen to or contemplate someone else’s experiences. You feel in control, most of the time. When you become involved, you are forced to deal with another persons’ desires and needs. You may struggle and blame other people for your problems, situations or circumstances, for your feelings of anger, sadness and depression, without looking within.
Mr. Brand’s thoughts about Love addiction;
‘At the root of all addiction is narcissism, a constant thrumming attention to self. If you are self-absorbed you are suffering, and if you suffer you seek ways to stop it — through drugs, alcohol, sex, maybe Facebook “likes.’
He goes on to say;
“We are trying to solve inner problems externally — whatever it is in our lives that is missing,” he said. “Eckhart Tolle said it perfectly: ‘Addiction starts with pain and ends with pain.’ Here’s the point. Drugs, booze, sex … It’s not the particular addiction that matters as much as the fact that your life is out of control because of it.
Healing Relationships from love addiction or avoidance of intimacy is a process of self discovery and emotional growth.
Growing emotionally involves; breaking through denial, acknowledging repetitive patterns, owning harmful consequences of behaviour and thoughts, and interrupting the cycle. Only then is it possible to let go and address the underlying emotional pain at the core of this disconnection. If you avoid intimacy, you run away from difficult emotions. Learning to become present and aware of your feelings is important. Have you ever met a person who is sincerely concerned for your well being and is there for you when you need them? This is a compassionate, empathetic and loving person. For some, this comes naturally, for others, it takes work. Empathy is not the same as compassion. You can be compassionate with someone but able to fully understand what they are going through.
When you feel something strongly; struggle, loneliness, self criticism, or insecurity, face it head on. Look at the situation, determine what is making you feel that way, and decide what positive steps you will take next.
A solid relationship with a skilled psychotherapist trained in working with relationships, love and sex addiction can help guide you towards a sustaining a conscious loving relationship.
Loving Kindness & Compassion
‘When love has carried us above all things . . . we receive in peace the Incomprehensible Light, enfolding us and penetrating us. What is this Light, if it be not a contemplation of the Infinite, and an intuition of Eternity? We behold that which we are, and we are that which we behold; because our being, without losing anything of its own personality, is united with the Divine Truth.” Ruysbroeck
The darkest week of the year marked by the Winter solstice has arrived along with Mercury retrograde, this is always a time of truth, when communications seem disrupted and misunderstandings are rife, misunderstandings themselves are part of the truth of being human. Mercury is retrograde from 19th December – 8th January, giving us a chance to address short comings and mistakes and correct the course of events.
The experience of darkness, shadow or Dark Night of the Soul, is necessary in order to feel the emerging light as celebratory, many people want to avoid the darkness. There is something fearful about the absence of physical light because it evokes the dark side of the psyche; your fears and depressed moods, your envies and secret longings.
Ask yourself; ‘What truth does this reveal to me, and why have I needed it revealed in this way at this time?’
In the darkest part of the year when the days are shortest, Mother Nature reminds every body to slow down, enjoy time with loved ones, to be open to listening. A time to move towards the vibration of compassion to become more effective in your relationships.
The days after the winter solstice begin to lengthen, shifting from the darkest part of the year back into the ever increasing light, is a perfect time to clear the old to make room for the new.
Many people feel unsettled about the global changes taking place, this has been accompanied by low vibrational emotions such as anger, blame, self-judgment, hopelessness, frustration, fear and worry, that do not serve consciousness nor good decision making.
Distress is alleviated by attending to yourself and your inner turmoil.
Everything you do and think affects the people in your life and their reactions to you. The choices you make have consequences. Each of us carries within the capacity to change the world in small ways for better or worse.
Every single effect within the world, upon the earth has a cause, an original starting point.
All paths have an original first step and from that first step comes a chain reaction of events with further offshoots spanning out in all directions and so on duplication and replication takes place.
All your thoughts and your behaviour and movements affect the entire universe according to the law of cause and effect.
When was the last time you were truly kind to yourself? Not just rewards and gifts, but true kindness?
Only when you have established a kind relationship with yourself can you begin to be truly loving with others; love is generated and experienced from within. In this state you are able to really open your hearts in our treatment of others.
Learning to treat yourself with kindness, to open your heart to yourself and others is the first and most important step in cultivating loving-kindness and compassion;
The passage of Mercury retrograde is a gift from the heavens giving you an opportunity to reflect, take stock, review, and correct mistakes you may previously have made in the rush, take your time to make conscious choices and plant seeds of new perspectives.
When you experience the true depth of the darkness of despair, tears might well up spontaneously, it can have a soothing effect. It changes your physiology from sympathetic nervous system defense and denial patterns into parasympathetic relaxation states. It improves your perspective on the world, especially if this disclosure is shared with another person. When you give into the exhaustion, you might fall into a restful and healing sleep, a sleep that could last a few minutes or hours. You can awaken feeling loving kindness compassion renewed and rested.
Being in contact with your bodily sensations, hidden rage towards a current or past injustice, an unexpressed desire for fulfillment or failure is not about acting on them but simply about feeling them. When you do this, what you have hidden from yourself in darkness can now be revealed in the light of awareness. You can become more completely yourself, more confident and more fully alive.
If then, we would indeed restore mankind by truly botanic, magnetic, or natural means, let us first be as simple and well as Nature ourselves, dispel the clouds which hang over our brows, and take up a little life into our pores. Do not stay to be an overseer of the poor, but endeavor to become of the worthies of the world.” Henry David Thoreau
Sometimes the “life” you need to take in feels like a retreat and a loss. Nature herself waxes and wanes, grows and recedes, lives and dies. In the midst of this shifting and change is one certainty.
The inner eternal light will naturally follow the dark time of the soul; it’s the way of the earth and of all her creatures.
By practicing the relaxation techniques on a daily basis, you learn to let go of the unhealthy emotional states that lead to the physical and emotional tension. Meditation includes a strong element of bodily relaxation.
You can learn how to directly affect your emotional and mental states, promoting calmness and contentment. Learning how your body/ mind interacts will help you to influence your emotional states by regulating your posture and breathing and lifestyle.
Restoring Mind, Body, Spirit Retreat can help you to become more aware of how to make conscious choices that lead to outcomes that are more supportive of your well being and happiness.
Remember that the clocks change on 30th October at 2am.
They are going backwards meaning the UK will revert back to Greenwich Mean Time. There will also be an hour less sunlight in the evenings.
In the UK, daylight savings time was officially introduced following the The Summer Time Act 1916. The law followed a campaign by builder William Willett; the grandfather of Coldplay singer Chris Martin; who was a lifelong advocate for Daylight Savings Time (DST).
He believed in the summer it would save on energy costs and enable people to have more recreation time outdoors
“Everyone appreciates the long light evenings,” Mr Willet wrote in 1907 ‘Everyone laments their shrinkage as the days grow shorter, and nearly everyone has given utterance to a regret that the clear bright light of early mornings, during spring and summer months, is so seldom seen or used.”
Shadow Work is a way to bring your true self out of shadow and into the light.
Shadow Work is a way of transforming parts of your character that you would like to change with compassion and understanding of these diverse parts.
The World needs Conscious People. Our World Is a Reflection Of Everyone’s Consciousness. Yes, your consciousness makes a difference.
Your commitment to bring consciousness to your inner world can make huge shifts personally and globally, it can have a profound influence on what occurs in the physical world.
Fear lives in the personal and collective Shadow. Many people are afraid of the darkness within, they project it outside and fight these monsters that are projected into the world.
On your journey towards greater self-awareness and spiritual expansion, you encounter the Shadow Self.
This is hidden from your conscious self-image.
The Shadow represents the rejected, repressed, undeveloped and denied.
These are dark disowned aspects of your being.
When the full extent of the shadow is revealed, it can be quite a shock.
Yet there is positive undeveloped potential in the Shadow because it is always with you and holds so much of your life energy.
The key is to recognise it and transform it in useful and positive ways.
Making a shift requires you to remove what is not in harmony or alignment, physically, emotionally and spiritually in your life.
When you go into the darkness inside yourself and face that darkness, you discover that it is not that dark after all, the fears that you had, have the potential to be transformed, you can discover the light that is hidden within the darkness, the light that holds so much potential and creativity.
Many people blame relationship problems on a lack of love and the other person not ‘being enough’.
In truth it is the challenge of being close and loving in a relationship that uncovers the difficulty.
A close relationship is a powerful light, and like any strong light it casts a large shadow.
When you stand in the light of a close relationship, you will encounter the shadow.
‘There is a psychological law that says when we don’t own and consciously recognise a significant inner conflict the situation has to be played out through external circumstances. This is sometimes known as “fate”
Jahnavi will be working along side me during the workshop, she will lead the Kirtan during this workshop using sacred sound. Jahnavi was raised in a family of bhakti yoga practitioners at Bhaktivedanta Manor in Hertfordshire.
She is a multi- disciplinary artist, trained in both Indian and Western classical dance and music, as well as writing and visual arts.
After graduating with a BA in Linguistics and Creative Writing, she travelled internationally with the sacred music band, ‘Gaura Vani and As Kindred Spirits’, for five years, presenting the dynamic stories and spiritual culture of India for a fresh, contemporary audience. She now helps to run ‘Kirtan London’, a project which aims
to make sacred mantra music accessible and relevant to a wider audience, including schools, mental health institutions. She writes regularly on spirituality and the arts for various publications, as well as on her blog – ‘The Little Conch’ (www.littleconch.com). She has released her debut sacred music album, ‘Like a River to the Sea’ in July 2015 and was nominated for a Grammy in 2016 for the charity album ‘Bhakti Without Borders’.
To Book a place Shadow workshop
Your heart carries a unique vibration it has a unique energy field and consciousness. Connecting with your heart energy is the most powerful tool you have for creating healthy relationships, balance, health, love and peace in your life, your heart has a consciousness. Your heart is a very powerful organ.
Listen not just with your ears, but with your heart, Listen with your essence – with every sense of your being.
When the inner waters of your mind are completely calm, can you be truly in sync with nature and your authentic self, a true union with the divine.
‘You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend’. Bruce Lee
“Everything in Life is Vibration” Albert Einstein
Every vibration produces a corresponding geometric form. Your Thoughts and Emotions create your Vibration and circumstances in your life, including Illness. Words are vibrations, which can Perpetuate or Heal Past Experiences.
Prayer and mantras are vibrations that carry positive healing energy.
The sound Om encompasses all words and sounds in human languages. Om is the cosmic sound of creation, the vibration of the universe, its energetic frequency connects unites everything.
Cultural, values and beliefs are encoded into the collective unconscious through language, symbols and words.
Beliefs can be held collectively in groups, families or nations. These messages are carried generationally, when unexamined and unchallenged they can create suffering for yourself and others. Trauma in the same way can be passed over generations. Trauma can take many shapes and forms. Trauma can be experienced physically, mentally, emotionally and beyond. Trauma can create obstacles to finding peace within yourself and the world.
Healing Trauma is an important focus of Living from The Heart which integrates Energy, Mind/ Body, Meditation and Psychotherapy. Unhealed trauma prevents people and groups from raising their vibration. Energy healing and Emotional clearing, helps people who are stuck in repetitive life circumstances and relationships. Emotions are energy, they carry a vibration also.
Quantum physics and the law of nature states everything has a vibration, thoughts are vibrations of energy, these vibrations influence your perception. Everything that manifests itself in your life is there because it matches the vibration from your thoughts.
When you become conscious of your thoughts as being vibrations of energy you begin to understand the powerful influence that each thought has and you connect with the power of intention.
John Lennon was encouraging the world to use the power of thought and intention to be conscious of your imagination and its potential, to create Peace beckoning the listener to imagine a world at peace without the barriers of borders or the divisions, to imagine humanity unattached to material possessions.The imagination, John Lennon was telling us, is the most powerful tool we have. Use it.
Every individual has potential, and is capable of influencing others, creating a ripple effect which can change society. If you approach the world as violent, self-gratifying or inconsiderate, what reactions will you generate? This is a time to be conscious of your actions and attitudes and their consequences.
We can use the power of collective consciousness through visualisation, prayer, mantra and meditation to improve the world.
What if everyone focussed their attention on visualising a peaceful world, characterised by nonviolence and harmonious relationships?
Your thoughts and feelings make ripples. Every action, thought and feeling have vibrations in a sea of energy, affecting everyone forever changing the composition of the whole universe, however small that change is. Change starts with you. Become strong so that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Join me for a monthly Healing the Heart Meditation virtual event attend from any where in the world.
Please sign up here to be added to this free monthly group all you need to do is turn up and tune in.
Details will be emailed to you.
Imagine the power of your thoughts.
“What you may fail to see inside is a result of how you choose to process everything and everyone in your world. You project onto the world what you see inside, and you fail to project into the world what you fail to see inside. If you knew that you were an expression of the universal spirit of intention, that’s what you’d see. You’d raise your energy level beyond any possibility of encumbrances to your connection to the power of intention. It is only discord acting within your own feelings that will ever deprive you of every good thing that life holds for you! If you understand this simple observation, you’ll curb interferences to intention.” Wayne Dyer ‘The Power of Intention
Every being, a cell, plant, animal or human, lives by vibrating; by expanding and contracting taking in the new and letting go of the old. Your mind, too, vibrates, alternating between expanding to receive new ideas and contracting to get rid of the old.
Your Heart beats a rhythm of giving and receiving.
The nerves and arteries in your body contract and expand, to circulating blood, carrying nutrients to supply cells and eliminate toxins in the same way that the air (Chi or Prana) is carried to and from the cells.
Your body is constantly vibrating contracting and expanding, your stomach to digest and your bowels to eliminate.
The vibration in the cells of trees and plants allows the sap to rise, flow and feeds trees and plants.
When parts of your body become stressed or dis-eased, they are no longer vibrating at their optimal resonant frequency. To recalibrate your frequency, you need to understand how lower and higher vibrations affect your energy and health by taking care of your internal and external environments.
Your thoughts and feelings, and the mental and emotional vibrations that emanate from you, create the atmosphere around you. People can sense this atmosphere and are affected by it. This atmosphere also affects their feelings toward you. Please visit Living from The Heart’s resources for raising your consciousness.
Become conscious of the foods you eat. Pay attention to how you feel after eating something.
Become conscious of the music you listen to. What messages does it give you?
Become conscious of your home environment. Is it a peaceful oasis?
Become conscious of the vibration levels of your acquaintances, friends, and extended family.
Become conscious of practicing random acts of kindness and in return expect nothing. How does this affect you?
Become conscious of your mind/ body find ways to raise your vibration through meditation, breath work, Chi Kung is a wonderful way to raise your vibration as is a regular Yoga practice.
Become conscious of going to sleep with a grateful, open heart, it is a powerful healing practice.
Love is a natural state of consciousness. Love is at your very core. Love shines a light on your uniqueness. In the spontaneity of love, boundaries disappear. When love appears, separateness disappears.
OM Shanti Shanti Shanti
I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences and comments!
Supporting aliveness, satisfaction and growth in intimate relationships. Relationships are a scared path. A Conscious relationship is a path of self-realisation. Being conscious is more than being physically awake and more than just being aware. Awareness refers to knowingness at the mental level, while consciousness is a state of knowingness that encompasses all mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of yourself. To be conscious is to have awareness of your thoughts, emotions, your own existence, sensations, and surroundings.
Humanity & Consciousness
Humanity is on the brink of major transformation. Relationships are the missing link to creating a collective consciousness of humanity, contributing to a healthy, happy, whole, and peaceful planet. It is your ability to relate to others and yourself in a responsible and compassionate way that can be transformative.
Responsibility is the willingness to take ownership over any “baggage” that you bring to your relationships. When you heal your relationships, with yourself, your partners, your family, and your communities, you create the possibility of a conscious and peaceful world. It begins with you. If you bring your entire reality into full consciousness and take positive action, you will find yourself in the flow of life. In this state of grace, ease and lightness you find yourself no longer dependent or reliant on things being in a certain way good or bad for your well being. The consciousness you operate within is equivalent to the lens with which you see reality. Your perceptions, beliefs, mind-sets and values you hold now are a result of the consciousness you are operating in. When you experience a shift in your consciousness due to an Aha moment or inner realization, you are breaking away from your old consciousness, old belief systems and attitudes. You begin to see things in a new light.
The shadow & Consciousness Many people at some point run into all the unconscious stuff they have never looked at. One day the unconscious material from the past can become re-enacted or recreated in an undesirable form. Everyone carries a shadow and wounds from the past which are inevitably triggered in close relationships. In other words, you may expect to feel abandoned, not valued or listen to, worthless, trapped, rejected, unlovable. You may look for this unconsciously.
When something difficult occurs or when uncomfortable feelings emerge, or when things have not gone to plan. You might fail to see in these situations that these difficult feelings stem from your relational patterns – the past affecting you in the ‘here and now’. These feelings and issues are not caused by the other person, they have been created from your past wounding, beliefs and relational patterns. Be conscious about your relationships by not attributing blame, hate, anger and guilt. Do not enter into bouts of insanity, despair, depression and self doubt. Here you will find yourself feeling powerless, constantly looking outside yourself for approval and answers. You can step into conscious relationships with yourself and others and gain peace and clarity.
Becoming conscious requires you to look at your past and current issues in relationships and take responsibility for them, it is only then you are able to create something new and dissolve dysfunctional relational patterns. Most of your core wounds, fears and traumas develop as a child within your relationship to your primary care givers. Often people who have suffered trauma consciously try to suppress their recollection of the painful events.
‘Over time the forgetting becomes automatic rather than wilful, in the same way that riding a bicycle requires a great deal of conscious mental and physical effort during the learning phase but becomes automatic over time’. David SpiegelRelationships work when you have the awareness to look at yourself truthfully and explore how your life experiences as a child has shaped how you respond to life now. A conscious relationship requires people who encourage one another’s growth, their relationship strives towards something greater than gratification. The relationship is a journey of evolution, where people create opportunities to grow. You are here to grow. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. When growth stops, you will feel like something has gone wrong. Without growth, you are not fulfilling your path. Learn more about conscious relationships with yourself and others Conscious relationship weekend 2nd – 3rd June
The Gift of Vulnerability & Listening When you connect deeply with another person, your heart naturally opens toward a whole new world of possibilities. This opening of your heart can make you aware of the ways you are stuck and asleep. Having the courage to be open takes you into the realm of vulnerability. Here you are seen fully. Love requires you to see and bee seen in the fullness of who you truly are. When you gift vulnerability, you are creating a space for the other person to share their vulnerability with you. Here you can love and be loved for who you and they truly are. Gift someone your full presence, with an open heart, without judgment or trying to find a solution. Your emotional experiences are not problems, they are simply experiences.
‘Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced’. Soren Kierkegaard
Trust & Integrity in Conscious relationships Trust is a vital ingredient in conscious relationships. It begins with you believing in the value of your partners’ word and the integrity of their character. When you mistrust others, it is a mirror of the mistrust you have of yourself.
A conscious relationship requires you have integrity and keep your word. If you are trustworthy and have integrity, you will have relationships that mirror this back to you. When this is not happening and you are growing in different directions you may chose to end a relationship. Be open and present to receive all the lessons and grace a relationship can offer. To reap this bounty both of you must fully commit to being the relationship with your whole being, for the time that you are both consciously choosing to be in the relationship. Relationships inevitably bring you up against your most painful unresolved emotional conflicts from the past, continually stirring you up against things in yourself that you cannot stand—all your worst fears, neuroses, and fixations. If you focus on only one side of your nature at the expense of the other, you have no path, and therefore cannot find a way forward. This also limits the possibilities of your relationships as well. Love is a transformative power precisely because it brings the two different sides of yourself—the expansive and the contracted, the awake and the asleep—into direct contact. Love challenges you to keep expanding in exactly those places where you imagine you can not possibly open any further.
‘Intimate relationship is perhaps the ashram of the 21st Century—a place especially ripe with transformational possibility, a combination crucible and sanctuary for the deepest sort of healing and awakening, through which the full integration of our physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual dimensions is more than possible’Robert Augustus Masters
Learn more about the conscious relationships with Living from The Heart. Transform yourself and your relationships.
Continue to Grow and become conscious!
Tis the season of goodwill and happiness, yet December is the month couples and families argue the most. The gap between hope and reality is a destroyer. Christmas and birthdays are breeding grounds for disappointment, disappointment leads to conflict. Because you look for someone to blame. The concentration of time spent together, social interaction, habits and annoying peculiarities that are tolerable, even charming usually can quickly turn toxic when you are together 24/7. Minor irritations may be blown out of all proportion. Any change in your circumstances can trigger anxiety.
Stress can be caused by physiological, psychological, emotional and behavioural responses when a person attempts to adapt and adjust internal or external pressures and demands, leading to a fight or flight reaction. Internal pressures include thoughts, feelings, memories, images, while external pressures are the demands from the world, including your access to support, friends, family, job, and community, to name a few.
Your stress response has evolved to help you take action when needed. The stress response, is a design of nature and natural selection to save your life when faced by immediate, mostly physical crisis. The appropriate action would be to run away or stand and fight. Thankfully this stress response is not suited to the types of stress you encounter daily. The stress response was designed to be short lived, when it is turned on for long periods of time, it becomes damaging. Stress can cause you to make mistakes when you think in extremes. You may find yourself blaming the cause of your discontent on your job, relationship, or the people you live with. Remember that job or relationship is ideal.
If you want to enjoy your break, and return with some tangible and realistic ideas for positive change:
1 Remember the issues you face on holiday are largely the same ones you deal with at home. Expect that they will crop up, so they do not overshadow everything else. Especially when you are put in a room filled with people you only see once a year. The gap between your perceptions of your family and your partner’s is usually considerable. The way your parents relate will have provided you with a template, consciously or unconsciously, for the way you form and behave in relationships. There is no getting away from family, even when they are hundreds of miles away. If you are in a blended family, take all these difficulties and multiply them by 10
2 Postpone arguments. If a conversation starts to get heated, try saying something like: “If we carry on with this conversation it’ll turn into an argument. Let’s not spoil the day. Shall we drop it for now and pick it up again when we both have time to talk things through” Very few arguments suffer from being postponed; most of the time you will not feel care enough to revisit it at a later date.
3 Give up the blame game. If you are unkind to yourself and criticizing yourself, by extension you will be unkind to your partner. If you want to maintain a strong and healthy, being kind to yourself and your partner is one of the first places to start.
4 Take time out. It is unfair on your partner to constantly check work emails while you are supposed to be spending quality time together. Turn off the phone or laptop, if you really must check in with work schedule an hour in the morning or evening to focus on it so it does not detract from the rest of your time together.
5 Schedule some ‘Me’ time. If you are busy you may not be used to living in each other’s pockets. Make time to pursue your own interests. A morning swim or an afternoon stroll round the area or local shops can give you some much needed space. Stress may be experienced as feelings of being overloaded, of being tense, too wound-up or preoccupied by worries. There an antidote. Having something planned for just yourself or with your partner once all the entertaining is over can support yourself and your relationship over the Holiday period.
Experiencing stress is common, yet considering the damage that long term stress does to your physical, emotional, and psychological wellbeing, as well as the detrimental effects it has on relationships, do you accept that stress is a part of life, or is there something you can do about it? A mild degree of stress is indeed useful to motivate us to take the necessary action, but if it continues unabated you spend more time being pushed around by the stress response and less time taking effective action. You can become trapped in unhelpful ruminative loops which is overwhelming the more you think about a stresses, the more you stimulate the stress response, stimulating more thoughts and more stress. the stresses never really go away. Your stress response is permanently turned on or running on autopilot in the background. The stress response is exhausting your mind/ body if continuously or frequently activated. What you are essentially doing is living life as if you are constantly responding to a crisis, a crisis that has no end. This is damaging psychologically, emotionally and physically, symptoms include chronic fatigue, sleep disruption, muscle atrophy, adult onset diabetes, cardiovascular damage, ulcers, digestive, reproductive problems, and more.
Your nervous systems can be divided into two main parts central nervous system that encompasses the brain and spinal cord. peripheral nervous system encompassing the nerve tissue outside of the central nervous system. The peripheral nervous system consists of two main parts – the autonomic nervous system and the somatic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system is centrally involved in the stress response. Its mechanisms are automatic, happening outside of your conscious awareness. Broadly, it is a system that it either designed to speed things up or slow things down. An analogy of this system is that of a car the accelerator and the brakes. The stress response essentially pushes hard on the accelerator; you need to learn how to apply the brakes in your body so that you can slow down or even stop the effects of stress. The sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system is the accelerator, while the parasympathetic branch is the braking system.
Practising compassion can play a powerful role in halting the effects of stress, bringing a sense of balance to life. Compassion changes the relationship that you have with others and yourself, moving from criticism towards understanding and kind encouragement, fundamentally changing the way you deal with yourself and others when things go wrong. It has important consequences for how you guide yourself towards balance.
Join me for The perfect antidote after the Hoildays to help you restore your Mind and Body.
The next Living from The Heart retreat will guide you through a process of deep restoration through mind / body techniques that will help you shift stress states into vitality and help you find balance to further cultivate your healing journey. Why go on a retreat?
Restoring the Mind and Body Retreat 29th – 31st January 2016 This 3-day retreat is an opportunity to immerse yourself in the tranquil Chess Valley where you can move to a slower rhythm of nature to restore the Mind, Spirit and Body.
The perfect antidote for stressed out individuals and couples. The Living from The Heart program will guide you through a process of deep restoration through mind / body techniques that will help you shift stress states into vitality and help you find balance to further cultivate your healing journey.
Check in from 3pm on Friday, Depart on Sunday at 4pm includes full board accomodation and all group sessions. Early Bird Booking £395 per person book before 30th November 2015 usual price is £425 per person based on shared occupancy.
The depth of intimacy with yourself is the starting point for profound love. Intimacy is courageously peering within, aiming the light of conscious awareness into the dark crevasses within yourself; acknowledging fears of abandonment, crippling jealousies, your sense of inadequacy, vices, triggers, shame, or predisposition to anger and outbursts of long buried rage.
It is about showing up and facing the demons in your abyss created in reaction to traumatic experiences. By working to make allies of these misunderstood enemies you can truly create an intimate relationship with yourself unearthing and transmuting, you begin a revolution. This is how family generational patterns are undone. It begins with YOU.
True intimacy attracts fellow travellers along the path, based on honesty and truth. Your ability to look non judgmentally at yourself, at them, at the world will be attractive and deeply appreciated along with your infectious dexterity in igniting change. People will find respite in your presence. Shared intimacy takes on a boldness and daring that is refreshing, passionate, and nurturing. As the love you feel for yourself deepens, your capacity to enjoy intimate love takes root and rockets.
The dark side of human nature is often described as the Ego, the id, or the lower self. Carl Jung called it the “shadow.”
The shadow represents the negative side of the personality, the sum total of all those unpleasant qualities that you would prefer to hide. Everything that is in your conscious awareness is in the light. Everything of substance which stands in the light whether it is a tree or an idea also casts a shadow. What remains in darkness is outside of your awareness.
When something is held back or something is left unsaid in, a shadow blocks intimacy and connection weakens.
Too many shadows the intimacy fades or becomes convoluted and confusing. The process of conscious relationship is one of staying fully open. Transparent. Loving. No matter what. Even when the difficult emotions are triggered and one feels dread, fear, abandoned, lost, alone, rejected, anxious, insecure or misunderstood.
These are moments in relationship when you shut the other person out or down. When you do not want them to see you in a particular way, be that way, feel that way, or act that way because when they are like that, they do not give you what you want or need.
When two people do the work of staying open to difficult emotion it creates an opportunity for intimacy to surface beyond projections and fantasies.
You are seen and loved for who you are, not who you need to be to make a person feel a certain way.
Relationships are opportunity to practice intimacy, opening up and revealing all of yourself to another who holds you in unconditional love in that light the shadows are dissolved by love as you hold each other in the process of waking up and release old trauma.
This is the path of Conscious Relationships.
‘We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.’
Unaware of your shadows you may only encounter them through other people, in the form of projections.
You may tend to see in other people the qualities and characteristics that comprise your shadow; that is, everything that you think is “not you.”
Just think for a moment of your like and dislikes.
Relationships do not mirror your ego back to you; rather, they mirror back your shadow, the other, unacknowledged half of your Inner Self.
Defined by your willingness to stay open and share and hold each other as your shadows arises. Defined by your ability to recognise when you are triggered, and to own your emotional states rather than project them onto others. Defined by your ability to hold each other in love when you are in a difficult emotional state.
A way to change this involves you taking the time to get to know yourself to avoid repeating unwanted patterns in relationships and circumstances.
As a result, synchronicities and miracles start to occur. You begin to live in a flow where the possibilities are endless.
The secret to living in flow is to become conscious of your shadow self – the part you do not know and learn to integrate it to become whole.
You may think your personality is who you are.
Blind spots prevent you from having conscious relationships with yourself and others.
Learning to release them is important to be able to create happy loving relationships with yourself and everyone around you and wake up your inner power and attract the relationships you want.
The shadow is that part of you that erupts spontaneously and unexpectedly when you behave in a destructive way to yourself or another person. The aftermath may leave you feeling humiliated, ashamed, and guilty. The shadow is that part of you that feels like it cannot be tamed or controlled.
There are cultural shadows held by groups of people – topics that are not commonly spoken about are held in the collective shadow, as taboo, forbidden topics or areas.
The shadow is anything that is unacceptable to you, anything that is hidden or denied including what what you want to hide from, what you do not want to know about yourself.
Are you familiar with blame? The one thing you may never ask for yet give freely. Essentially, blame is projection; it is your personality recognising your shadow.
An emotionally mature or genuine love develops with a mutually empathic connection between two people, which nourishes both of your mental, physical and emotional growth and capacity for compassion and self-actualization.
The neurochemistry of love relationships can merge into a dangerous mix of drugs more difficult to part with than alcohol, cocaine or heroine.
When you can’t let go of resentment and keep feeding your anger by continually pointing out everything the other person is doing and has done wrong, blaming him/her for your pain, then this issue is deeper and relates to your childhood wounding which is coming to surface. It relates to your needs not being met or old wounds from past relationships you haven’t fully processed and let go of are being reactivated. The same goes if you keep diminishing yourself with guilt and shame, making yourself feel worthless. It relates to your inner child that is carrying wounds you have not made conscious yet.
The wiring of your sensory brain and body when not modulated by your consciousness (awareness to influence decision making) can leave you susceptible to falling in love with the state of “falling in love” This can create powerful Sensory cravings that can switch off the frontal cortex (ability to consciously think and make optimal choices). Addictions can be a controlling factor in your life and relationships. Biologically speaking the human body is wired to gravitate toward what produces comfortable, feel-good sensations in you while also avoiding what produces pain and discomfort. The purpose of this design feature is to prompt you to both survive and thrive. Your body reminds you to avoid what is unhealthy, harmful or a threat to your survival, or to move towards fulfilling core drives that matter and create meaningful lives.
The state of falling in love, creates sensory signals consisting of a potent mix of chemicals, which have the power to change the sophisticated communication system between your Mind/ Body tampering with your ability to make healthy choices towards favouring intoxicating demands and quick feel good fixes.
If you experience fear or mistrust, your sensory system takes over.
Feel good hormones have the power to hinder your ability to make good choices, and hold your authentic wise-self (frontal cortex) captive, in a virtual prison of sorts, deceived by limiting unconscious beliefs and illusions of love and power.
Without consciousness your unconscious mind/body can not distinguish between pain or pleasure or that which threatens rather than promotes your growth and wellbeing and aliveness.
Discomfort is an essential part of growth, physical, mental and emotional; unnecessary pain leads to suffering. Pleasure is an emotional and physiological yearning for health and wellness, a sense of feeling good about your self and your capacity to contribute to life, create healthy, vibrant relationships that sustain you. Pleasure at the expense of your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing leads to needless and endless suffering of an addiction.
Learning how to receive and give love to yourself and another person is a great learning curve and challenge – it is not for the faint-hearted.
Addiction can be seen as pleasure-seeking, pain-avoiding, or seeking a quick-fix to have a sense of power or control even though it is temporary creating a false sense of self which ultimately avoids dealing with your shadow self. Working with the shadow can better help you integrate parts that thwart your intentions from forming conscious and healthy relationships. “Falling in love” can be seen as a beginning stage of a relationship which if nurtured can create genuine love with another person.
When you work on your shadow and uncover the character that is hiding within you. Uncovering its needs, what it is communicating to you, how you feel when it arises you, how you relate to it. It begins to lose its compulsive quality and does not drive you as much. When it releases its grip you are able to hear your authentic self – your internal intuitive and wise voice wisdom, the part of you that knows what is the right action. Jung suggested that that if we can shed a little light on our own darkness, it will remove some of the larger darkness from the world.
The right people will arrive at precisely the right time. Let your words be bricks in the foundations of the bridges others are striving to build. Let the wisdom gained through your committed intimacy be fruitful. Let love be your guide. And let your love speak profoundly
The true power and creativity unleashed from the shadow is your ability to see clearly and master the art of conscious relationships.
Learn more about discovering and integrating your shadow, bring your true self out of shadow and into the light.
On the workshop you will learn ways to transforming parts of your character with compassion and understanding, to find balance within all your relationships.
Begin the process of positive change on this interactive learning and growth experience.
Join me for the next workshop it is suitable for all
Image by Scott Wilton
Communication in a relationship is incomplete without touch just like an eye contact or smile. In fact, touch can establish, repair or even ruin a relationship.
Your mind, brain, and body are not separate from each other. Touch is the first sense you acquire, it is the fastest way to create chemistry and bonding in a relationship.
Being touched and touching someone is a fundamental to a relationship. Even in its absence. Touch is a language you learn instinctively; and one you underestimate in your ability to communicate through.
It is more versatile than communicating vocally, through tonality, linguistically, or through your facial movements and other non verbal expressions of emotion.
Touch can communicate a myriad of emotions such as joy, love, desire, attraction, gratitude, and sympathy, as well as anger, fear, sorrow and disappointment. Touch is reciprocal you cannot touch without being touched. It is mutually given and received.
Oxytocin is a hormone that increases feelings of connectedness and wellbeing.
Chemistry between two people can be heightened by Oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. It can create feelings of trust and attraction between people when released.
This chemical is abundant at the start of a ‘romantic’ relationship. The connection may not be based in a conscious realtionship but a ‘felt’ or ‘perceived’ one.
When you are touched, your body produces oxytocin, the hormone of love and attachment. The hormone oxytocin can help you to form and maintain a connection. Everyone needs touch, without touch you may suffer feeling disconnected, lonely or depressed.
People with low or insufficient oxytocin can become depressed and more susceptible to stress or vulnerable to addictive relationships, behaviours and habits.
When you are in a loving intimate relationship, physical touch can communicate and express feelings of love, tenderness, care, play, trust and respect. It is fundamental to creating a healthy relationship. Its absence it can create and communicate a lack of trust, desire or love, it can create distance and discord. Oxytocin is a powerful hormone.
When you touch or are touched your oxytocin levels increase. Your heart rate slows. It acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain playing a huge role in bonding and attachment.
Oxytocin gets released during light caresses, during sexual intimacy and orgasm, or when you share experiences through talking or being present or being in the presence of. When oxytocin is released it increases feelings of attachment for another person, as well as feelings of trust and empathy. It can decrease feelings of stress, fear and pain.
If your early childhood environment felt unsafe or you had difficult relationships with parents, you may find it hard to harness the positive effects of oxytocin and forming secure attachments. Touch is an important part of feeling loved and accepted.
Your response to oxytocin is affected by your relationships to your parents. What did you learn about touch? Was it reassuring? Did you grow up in a strict household? Were you punished with touch? Touch can very be confusing
If you experienced inappropriate touch or sexual or physical violence it may contribute to difficulties in forming healthy and loving relationships. It may have a negative impact on your romantic and intimate relationships in the ‘here and now’ until you shift through and gain some awareness and understanding. Long-term changes to your attachment and relational styles are possible. It requires a commitment and wilful intent to make a transition. Working with a skilled Mind Body psychotherapist can help you navigate through the opportunities for growth. If you had difficult relationships with your parents, your brain will have a tendency to react to relationships in a particular way. It creates a neural pathway.
Through awareness of your responses you have the power to take the first step towards transformation. Touch can reveal a lot of deal information about and the person you are touching. You can gain insight into their state of mind and being.
Are you open to touch or do you pull away? Are you relaxed or tense? Are you warm or do you feel cold or clammy? When you touch someone can you sense tension or relaxation? Do you disconnect? Or do you experience rage?
This information can guide your relationships, it can influence what you think, how you respond, or how hear what someone is saying. Each person you meet will have a different tolerance level for touch. Same-sex or opposite-sex touches have different implications. The type of touch its the duration, intensity and circumstances. Touch is something that develops in the context of a relationship.
You will have absorbed messages about being touched whilst growing up and developing as an adult. Many Religions, social and cultural conditioning teach that touch is ‘inappropriate’ or ‘sinful’. This will affect your attitudes towards touching and being touched. Is touch safe? Do you deserve to experience pleasure? Do you sexualise touch? Your tolerance and receptivity for touch can change and increase. Setting your intentions and putting into practice your learning, awareness and reflections with a skilled therapist can help you navigate the journey.
Ken Wilbur wrote in The Spectrum of Consciousness, “For every mental ‘problem’ or ‘knot’, there is a corresponding bodily ‘knot’, and vice versa. The body and the mind are connected Any conflict, feelings or guilt, shame, or unresolved grief can be held in the body. The body has a memory, when you are deeply touched through massage or manipulation or through body work it can release physical pain and previously make inaccessible or unresolved material accessible and therefore available for healing. The Body Knows Its Mind, it has an intelligence of its own, the body speaks when you do not have words for what you are feeling. A warm touch can be a healing balm for the soul and release held emotion freeing you up to experience life in a different way.
Living from The Heart works with your Life Force Energy, which is held in the body. To promote your health and wellness. Life Force Energy is known as Qi or Chi in Chinese, Prana in Sanskrit. It describes the flow of energy that sustains all living beings. I help people learn how to focus, use, and move this energy, by combining various breathing, meditative and energy awareness exercises for a wide range of benefits. This can facilitate your body’s healing process.
The higher your oxytocin, the higher your happiness and well-being.
The next Living from The Heart retreat will guide you through a process of deep restoration through mind / body techniques that will help you shift stress states into vitality and help you find balance to further cultivate your healing journey. Why go on a retreat?
Join me on Restoring the Mind and Body Retreat 29th – 31st January 2016 Early Bird Booking per person if you book before 31st November 2015 References: Wilber, Ken The Spectrum of Consciousness (Quest Books) Paperback 18 Apr 1996
Communication in a relationship is incomplete without touch just like an eye contact or smile. In fact, touch can establish, repair or even ruin a relationship. Images from stills from Shura Touch video
Reasons to seek Relationship Therapy
You would not employ a builder to fix a leaking tap would you? You would take time to ensure you have the right help or your leak could turn into a bigger problem… The same applies for Relationship Therapy and psychosexual therapy.
When you are having difficulties in your relationship it is important to get the right help early enough to be able to smooth out any difficulties you have accumulated along the journey of your relationship.
Everything requires maintenance to run smoothly. When your car does not work you take it to a mechanic to get it fixed. The same applies to your relationship. Your relationship is an important area of your life, it affects the smooth running of everything else.
Consider Relationship therapy when:
• You want to learn skills and tools to have a good or even better relationship or marriage.
• When one of you thinks you might benefit from therapy even if your partner does not.
• When you feel stuck and what you have tried on your own is not working
• When you feel emotionally or physically/sexually disconnected and cannot seem to make changes on your own.
• When you frequently fight or withdraw or refuse to address issues of conflict appropriately.
• When you think you might be happier with someone else.
Trying to fix things on your own is a common mistake, often the things that people do to ‘fix’ their relationships ends up pushing people further apart.
The opinions and judgements of family and friends can spell disaster even when the intentions are good.
This does not mean that problems cannot be resolved to become more in line with what you both desire. People tend to try to fix things through the lens of their own experiences which is related to your needs, fears and relational patterns.
This often is the source of the difficulty in the first place. Frequently, one person might appear happy with the status quo while oblivious to problems or sources of discord between the two of you. You may be relatively happy. One person may not be so happy.
If one person is unhappy in the relationship, it is a relationship problem not one person’s problem.
Everybody has wounding to greater and lesser extents. Not everyone has been taught how to be in loving healthy relationships. These patterns and beliefs affect all relationships. Within the context of relationship Therapy and couple’s therapy these will be addressed.
In the process of relationship therapy you will learn how you accidentally get triggered on both sides, and how each of you contributes to distress and the joy in the relationship or marriage. When there is emotional distance or distress in a marriage or relationship both of you will feel dissatisfied. The ways in which a couple try to connect may not always be healthy. If sex wanes, the other partner may try to increase the frequency to alleviate the feelings of disconnection from their partner. You may use alcohol or drugs to feel closer.
A Healthy relationship involves two people taking responsibility for their relationship and the impact they have on each other.
Your life may have become busy with work, children, study and other activities in an attempt to to feel connected. Or you may avoid being alone with the person with whom you feel painfully disconnected from. Intimacy becomes an impossibility with two people are so disconnected from each other.
Many couples have great great communication skills however; you may find it difficult to work through conflict well. You may shout while the other withdraws. Or you both may shout or withdraw when you are triggered. Conflict or the root of the problem does not get resolved. In the grip of emotion often words are exchanged that are hurtful and are denigrating.
Many people think problems will just go away as though nothing has occurred, or that time will work things out. (This is a favourite defence of many partners.) Many attempts at problem solving may result in finding yourselves back at square one repeating old behaviours that created conflict in the relationship in the first place.
Help is given for on the Living from The Heart through Intensive couple’s therapy, Psychosexual therapy, workshops and retreats, where you can both learn tools and skills to work with conflict, individually and together. You will take home the tools and insights you gain in therapy to help you not only in your Love Relationships or Marriage, but all relationships you have.
Unfortunately, many couples attend relationship therapy too late – one person may have become exasperated and gives up. They do not have any more energy for the relationship after a prolonged period of time when they may not have been listened to, perhaps even suggesting relationship therapy to no avail or not taken seriously.
Another frequent scenario occurs when in the face of losing partner, an epiphany reveals that you might lose the person you love. From a place of fear, you may agree to get help and go to Counselling and are willing to work, only to find that the person is exhausted does not want to try anymore.
Couples have turned their relationships and marriages around after years and years of hopeless, distress with the right help. Do not lose your beloved through pride, or failure to take your partner’s unhappiness seriously, or not wanting to spend money. If you value your home or car you spend money on maintaining and repairing why not your relationship or marriage?
Make a change today and find out how a good couples therapist with the appreciate training and experience can help you both turn things around.
Why go on a Retreat?
It may be that you feeling a little stressed lately? Living from The Heart Retreat could be just the thing for you. It may be that something is stirring inside, a call to explore some questions more deeply.
It may be the best investment you make for your self, health and all relationships. It may be that you are yearning for an opportunity to pause and look at your life from a new perspective, which often unlock answers to the questions that you just may not take the time to ask.
If you want to find balance of mind, body and spirit, or may need to find a quiet space to switch off.
You are guided to make a stronger your connection with your sense of self, which helps you to shift into new awareness about yourself and relationships. You will learn to master the art of conscious relationships where you make considered choices about your life and relationships while restoring a sense of balance of mind body and spirit.
Living from The Heart retreat provides a ‘container’ to connect to a deeper sense of meaning and self. Support is provided along the way during a healing and restorative, silent, creative and fun week. It can be a time for finding the courage to let go of things that no longer serve you or to become aware of what you are being drawn towards.
The retreat can provide a place, a space a moment in time to allow a deeper exploration; to discover within a renewed sense of meaning; to experience a deeper sense of connection and your willingness to be open more deeply and fully, in your heart, mind and body.
Transform challenges into positive, personal, professional and spiritual transitions
Living from the Heart will support and facilitate a process of being able to go beyond your familiar mind, with its logical and sometimes restrictive ways of seeing the world to a deeper, steadier and quieter place where new insight and inspiration can bring you closer to your true identity, your true Self. From this place of balance you will find fulfilment through living your life in a more congruent way.
Find a sacred and Healing space
Retreat for Individuals and Couples
September 2018 Portugal
Living from the Heart:
T 07855 781 210
Aisha Ali is a much sought after relationship specialist. She is known for her intuitive insight, she is very skilled at getting to the core of issues and helping individuals and couples transform unwanted repeated patterns. Her clients experience support clarity, awareness and a sense of peace, balance and accomplishment.