- Therapy Sessions
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Shepherds Close London N6 5AG 07855 781 210
Some of your most basic beliefs about love & intimacy are all wrong.
For over twenty years, I have worked with people from all walks of life, who get stuck in a cycle of pain, disappointment, finding it hard to sustain a healthy relationship. By changing your view of relationships and widening your perspective on intimacy, it creates an opportunity for relationships to not only survive, but thrive!
Love addiction, intimacy avoidant beliefs & patterns of behaviours;
What causes love addiction or avoidance of intimacy?
It is hard to feel love when you are angry. Happiness depends on the quality of your inner life, your thoughts, emotions, beliefs and desires when directed towards finding inner peace and love. In essence, you might develop addictions or avoidance to shield yourself from love, or painful feelings. Suffering with negative, inflexible thoughts and emotions, fraught with anger, resentment and criticism, experiencing a loss of connection, perhaps not having experienced hope or love for a long time. You might expose yourself to a serious emotional vacuum and mistake intensity in a relationship for intimacy and love.
The causes are fairly easy to identify: a history of abandonment, inadequate or inconsistent nurturing without proper bonding, or a lack of emotional connection with a parent rooted in a mature, stable place that nurtures and supports a child. No consistent positive role models of loving relationships. Holding unrealistic fantasises, values and beliefs about love. People struggle with an unconscious fear of of both abandonment and of intimacy.
A quintessential characteristic of avoidance is a person who, consistently keeps an emotional and mental distance from their partner, feels overwhelmed by their partners’ desire for closeness, feels stifled by thoughts or pressures of vulnerability, they rely on escape, through distancing strategies. A person who is blocked from love, both desires and fears relationships, because they did not have a connection in childhood that comforted them, from fear or the emptiness of abandonment, they did not learn that relationships can be healing. People, often create intensity outside of their relationship, to relieve feelings of disconnection and unhappiness.
Conscious Fear Unconscious Fear
Emotional Growth & Intimacy
People who lack emotional maturity, find it hard to deal with their emotions and challenges in life. This is very painful; relationships are often short lived; they find it challenging to maintain relationships of any depth. Compromise is almost impossible, their capacity to understand or respond to another person is limited. They find emotions difficult to handle. In an attempt to avoid feelings, they control their world by creating an idealised version, being extreme in their behaviour, or having black and white thinking. Over coming this mind set is an important part of growing emotionally, which involves learning to develop coping strategies and relationship skills.
Relationships are places where this wound shows up. When you are not in a relationship, you can navigate life on your own terms, addressing your needs and wants. You are rarely confronted by the needs of another person in a meaningful way or need to listen to or contemplate someone else’s experiences. You feel in control, most of the time. When you become involved, you are forced to deal with another persons’ desires and needs. You may struggle and blame other people for your problems, situations or circumstances, for your feelings of anger, sadness and depression, without looking within.
Mr. Brand’s thoughts about Love addiction;
‘At the root of all addiction is narcissism, a constant thrumming attention to self. If you are self-absorbed you are suffering, and if you suffer you seek ways to stop it — through drugs, alcohol, sex, maybe Facebook “likes.’
He goes on to say;
“We are trying to solve inner problems externally — whatever it is in our lives that is missing,” he said. “Eckhart Tolle said it perfectly: ‘Addiction starts with pain and ends with pain.’ Here’s the point. Drugs, booze, sex … It’s not the particular addiction that matters as much as the fact that your life is out of control because of it.
Healing Relationships from love addiction or avoidance of intimacy is a process of self discovery and emotional growth.
Growing emotionally involves; breaking through denial, acknowledging repetitive patterns, owning harmful consequences of behaviour and thoughts, and interrupting the cycle. Only then is it possible to let go and address the underlying emotional pain at the core of this disconnection. If you avoid intimacy, you run away from difficult emotions. Learning to become present and aware of your feelings is important. Have you ever met a person who is sincerely concerned for your well being and is there for you when you need them? This is a compassionate, empathetic and loving person. For some, this comes naturally, for others, it takes work. Empathy is not the same as compassion. You can be compassionate with someone but able to fully understand what they are going through.
When you feel something strongly; struggle, loneliness, self criticism, or insecurity, face it head on. Look at the situation, determine what is making you feel that way, and decide what positive steps you will take next.
A solid relationship with a skilled psychotherapist trained in working with relationships, love and sex addiction can help guide you towards a sustaining a conscious loving relationship.
Sex is your Life Force. You are born out of it. It is your creative energy. It can bring enlightenment. Self esteem is not static. It fluctuates. When you think of your inner lover or Divine Love, what images come to mind perhaps the image of the Goddesses of Love? Aphrodite is an enchanting embodiment of sexual fantasy. Her allure is universal. She is the stereotype found in the Hollywood sex goddess who stimulates desires and romance in the imaginations of millions. Perhaps the ecstatic devotional poems of Rumi, Kabir, Mirabai conjure images of blissful and divine Love?When you make a journey to find Divine Love you enter the realm of coming to grips with reality beyond the emotions of love or fear.
Experience and personal growth helps you move from fantasy to reality to be able to manifest Divine and Sacred Love. The journey to find the Lover within you and connect with a Conscious or Divine Love will take you to unexpected places, some difficult to visit.
Your memories, beliefs, and values will place obstacles in the way; you may have opposition, feelings of bitterness and old wounds that impede your progress. You may even feel the need to defend yourself against perceived attacks in order to not be wounded again. Reality on this journey is found between becoming conscious of your idealised images and expectations you place on yourself and relationships. These ideal images are virtually non-existent, when they are not met feelings of disappointment and loss have mastery over you hounding you to degrade yourself and current relationships. Prompting you to behave in unauthentic ways to gain a false sense of being loved and desired.
Reflect. Look at the walls you have put up around you. Which part of your self needs protecting? How old are they? When you meet a Love, which part of you greets it? The adult, child or teenager? When you think of Love what images arise? What is your desire?
Your Inner Lover is both the feminine and masculine whom is excited by feelings of longing, awe, fear of the unknown, and incomprehensibility. When you Love deeply, you open yourself up to the possibility of betrayal and the pain of separation. You open yourself to wounding, and this very woundedness is your openness. Love is a universal quality, intrinsic to consciousness, no journey is more rewarding. It’s worth the time, effort, and dedication to discover your inner Lover. Celebrate what makes you and your desires unique. Your life is beautiful. Your inner Lover is a healthy embodiment of life force, an experience of sensuous pleasure. Your sensitivity allows you to extend compassion and empathy to all you encounter. Sexual energy can have many expressions: at its lowest vibration, it is biological; at the highest, it is spiritual. Along with this sensitivity to your internal and external experiences comes passion. The Inner Lover is connected through feeling.
Your inner Lover wants to touch and be touched. You want to touch everything physically and emotionally and you wish to be touched by everything. Here you recognise no boundaries. Revel in your experiences of the exotic, of desire through the language of love, music art, and the senses. You desire connection with yourself allowing powerful feelings and experiences and in your relationships with other people. Your desire is to experience the sensual world in its totality. Give yourself permission to feel this fully.
The inner Lover makes a journey through your mind, body and spirit moving upwards towards silent spaces, passing through your heart to your mind and the seventh centre at the highest point in your body. Here you will feel grateful towards the energy. Be open to receiving the gifts of loving relationships which have the power to melt defences, leaving you and your loved ones disarmed and open – allowing the magic of divine love to flow.
Practice makes perfect Love Is a Practice. It is a skill that improves with practice. When you consciously identify and communicate your expectations, you are more likely to create and attract healthy loving relationships. When you listen to the wisdom of your heart you can allow it to guide you towards higher expressions of love. You are invited to join me to learn more… www.livingfromtheheart.co.uk
Love, Sex & Intimacy Workshop on the weekend of 7th – 8th March 2015 10 – 4pm both days in North London
On Love, Sex & Intimacy weekend I will introduce ways to help you to develop a healthy sense of sexuality and desire. Learn to identify your emotions and get your needs met in a healthy manner. It will explore the possibilities for experiencing greater depth and nourishment in your relationships. Explore feelings that arise when you meet challenges including shame that may prevent you from having an enjoyable sexual relationship. Find ways of overcoming barriers to better relationships. The workshop is open to all regardless of sexual orientation or if you are in a committed relationship or single.
Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it necessary? Is it true? Does it improve on the silence?
Many of our experiences of Love, Sex and Intimacy are linked unconsciously to feelings of shame; guilt or fear. We do not always recognise that our thoughts about these can prevent us from fully expressing and receiving Love. Many people have not been taught how to talk about sex and sexuality in a healthy and empowering way. This causes a lot of suffering because of our lack of skill, it can create Sexual and Intimacy based difficulties in relationships. Many people were not taught how to love and express their needs in a healthy ways. We learn through observing and experiencing the relationship between and with parents, siblings, caregivers and significant individuals, whom may not have been competent at managing and expressing themselves. Many individuals and couples lack the mature emotional skills set because of their experiences. Concerns about sex and intimacy are common. The weekend workshop explores your unconscious emotional responses and repetitive relational dynamics including the messages you learnt about Love, Sex and Intimacy which possibly has been passed down generation after generation in your family, society, culture. The past only remains so when it no longer affects us in negative ways in the ‘here and now’. You can usually trace your emotional inheritance back to the original dysfunctions within your family. People tend to model themselves on their parents as they are very important role models in your life. Did you see your parents holding hands and expressing tenderness with each other? Did you observe them expressing anger and resolving conflict in a healthy way? Perhaps they were emotionally immature like so many people. They were only doing what they have been taught and it was their best at the time. You may have experienced similar difficulties and challenges in meeting your needs in relationships as an adult. During Living from The Heart Workshops you will move towards becoming more conscious of the underlying dynamics that drive your emotional responses. You will learn to recognise and express your feelings in healthier ways, expanding your sense of self and your repertoire of responses in your relationship. Consequently you and your relationship become more nourishing and nourished.
We have the capacity for two basic feelings—those of love or fear. Emotions are messages your body sends to your mind emanating from your sense of self. Why you feel the way you do?
Everyone at sometime is driven by either Fear or Love. Your sense of self is the source that generates ease or dis – ease and is unique to each individual. Awareness, Self Love and Good Self Esteem is the master-key.
What determines my experiences and relationships as safe or unsafe?
This is a way to begin to bring your unconscious responses into your conscious awareness.
Your needs determine your emotional responses. When you begin to recognise and communicate your needs more consciously you begin to experience greater emotional aliveness that flows from mastering the ability to clearly communicate what you want in life. Remember that these are learnt responses. If you are not currently skilled in this area, the likely hood is that you were taught by people who did not have the skills. YOU CAN LEARN NEW ONES!
The better you become at communicating your needs, the more likely you are to get them met. Consequently your emotional wellness improves greatly.
Distress is usually experienced when certain outcomes are not aligned with your intentions.In other words when your experiences fall short or do not fulfil your expectations. (See live-your-life-with-intention)
This emotional upset is caused by an unmet need or to when someone challenges our sense of self.
Living from the Heart:
T 07855 781 210
Aisha Ali is a much sought after relationship specialist. She is known for her intuitive insight, she is very skilled at getting to the core of issues and helping individuals and couples transform unwanted repeated patterns. Her clients experience support clarity, awareness and a sense of peace, balance and accomplishment.