- Therapy Sessions
- Couples Intensives
- Online Heart Practice
Shepherds Close London N6 5AG 07855 781 210
A program update for your operating system is available.
Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find?
Do you feel stuck, or need to control your environment and people, you might find yourself engaged in competitive battles, needing to feel better than, entitled, arrogant, or feeling resentful.
When you see the world as moving parts to be manipulated and accumulated to have more than others, your SOS might be up for repair.
If you are running on competition to achieve superiority. Struggling to earn a sense of worthiness. Denying authentic emotion. Crafting a performance of self. Manipulating and controlling circumstances. Attacking those who seem to threaten your safety. Defending yourself, assigning blame and avoiding personal responsibility. Seeking endless possession and consumption to fill the emptiness. Fear, perfectionism, attachment, obsession, comparisons, judgment, and chasing the arrival of happiness, your SOS needs a tune up.
Perhaps your operating system from the past is unsuited for the challenges of the future because it is based on a faulty premise of separation. Based on fear which is a response to the illusion of being separate from Love. Fighting for limited resources
This operating system has become so efficient, it has produced a world that is consuming itself. We move faster, try harder, struggle more in an attempt to outrun a distorted culture of personal and global imbalance. The result is exhaustion, depression, disappointment and shame and trying to convince ourselves to be satisfied with what we have.
‘A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety’. – Aesop
An obstacles to spiritual growth and happiness is a tendency to hold on to old habits and identifications.
Emotions that might appear rational – such as feeling righteous, or depressed about a catastrophe your life – stands exposed as the result ofirrational thinking.
The result of this thinking will tune you into a frequency of scarcity and limitation. You end up manifesting more of the same. Your experiences of reality will reflect this back to you.
The universe is perfect – it does not take sides. It listens to the repetitive stories you tell yourself and serves it right back you to in a tangible forms you cannot possibly miss.
If you can manage to wake yourself up by focusing on being grateful for every experience, every failure, success, breath, smile, heartache, everything becomes infused with gratitude and comes alive tenfold.
Gratitude sparks a life of aliveness, creativity, joy, wonder, compassion, empathy and love.
Thank You is the magic key to a well- oiled Spiritual Operating System.
Bless your wounded self that was taught to believe there is not enough, that you might not be worthy.
Bless your ambitions to pursue the best version of yourself. Bless your shadow, you may not always want to admit you have hiding in the dark places in your heart.
Bless your need to love and be loved, to make a difference , bless everything and be grateful for everything . You will stop fighting and all of a sudden begin to know the kind of curiosity about life that leads to miracles.
Everything becomes affected — your thoughts, actions, interpretations, and life circumstances. It’s upgrading to a better, happier you .
Happiness inspires you to interpret and respond differently to various experiences in your life. When you allow these transformations to happen.
Living from the Heart is way of life that operates on a System of consciousness
Everything in the universe is alive, conscious and wondrous, you can align yourself and your life with a higher truth of oneness. You can step into the field of connectivity and access resources that have been previously out of reach.
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen nor even touched, but just felt in the heart.” Helen Keller
The intelligence of the Heart, can be described as the flow of awareness, understanding, and intuition you experience when your mind and emotions are aligned.
When you live from your heart, you feel at peace, at ease, and in control of yourself because of a deep inner knowing. You take actions with love.
You learn how to care for yourself and love yourself. You relax because you know that everything is going to be alright. Living from the heart brings balance.
When the heart is in control, your body finds good health and exists like a well-oiled machine instead of a broken-down car.
You might be so used to letting your head be in charge of your life, when you start reacting with your heart instead, it feels like a miracle, like a whole new existence…
…and it is! The heart is the centre of your body universe and the centre of your feelings.
Your head is at the edge of your body. You cannot balance when you are living from there. Your head is not grounded in the reality of your body.
Let your heart be the centre and watch your life transform.
When you compartmentalise your life and forget what matters most, you tend to listen to those critical voices in your head… “I’m not worthy” “I can’t” and “I tried, ”it’s not fair” nonsense and suddenly you are less than you could be.
SOS Retreat with Living from The Heart
Will help know who you are, what makes you happy, your strengths and weaknesses, what makes you tick, understanding that while you are not perfect, you can the best version of yourself.
You will be encouraged to: Live truthfully, authentically, and honestly.
Cultivate and nurture what is of value in your life, not from your head, where logic rules, but from your heart, where you can feel what is right and real for you.
When you Live from The Heart, chances are things are going to be just fine
The evening retreat will introduce you some practices to manifest your creativity and potential through living from the heart .
Sign up for SOS Mondays here and the Retreat in January 2020
All matter has form and substance made up of a collections of cells, consisting of collections of molecules, atoms, protons, neutrons, and electrons.
People push and pull like a magnet in a relationships. Opposites attract, likes and similarities repel. When you hold two magnets together and their opposite charged surfaces connect they pull together, when you turn one around and try to push them together you can feel a force pushing them apart (electromagnetic force).
Space and sub atomic particles. The atom consists of 99,9999 % space, but this space is not empty. It´s filled with pure energy. It means that you are an energy being. This fleshy, bony “thing” you call your body is actually an energy-body moving around in an ocean of energy.
Abraham Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs’ shows that the need to belong is secondary only to your survival needs, John Bowlby’s attachment theories suggests that a child needs a trusting connection with a caregiver to prosper as an adult, connection is essential.
At the Heart of your Relationships lives Connection.
‘Real connection is more than just talking to others or sharing interests. When you touch someone’s heart and emotionally attach. Your atoms, the building blocks of your presence in the universe become entangled.’
When you think of someone you love deeply or a mother’s inexplicable knowledge of their child in danger; stop and look at the evidence. There is proof that we are all connected, and it has more to do with the creation of the universe than the simple fact that we are all humans.
Your body is energy; it is electrical nature. If you shuffle your feet across a carpet and then touch something made of metal, you get an electrical shock. If you step on a piece of glass you feel pain immediately, because it is electrically transmitted along the nerves to your brain.
There is a vast ocean of energy, even though you cannot perceive it with your five senses, they have an effect on you. Qi, chi or Prana is a Life force that exists inside you, through you and around you. Your physical body moves in the world of matter, a subtler aspect of you, woven within and throughout your physical body, moves and interacts on a level of pure energy.
The Heart is the most powerful source of electromagnetic energy in the body, creating the largest rhythmic electromagnetic field of the body’s organs. Your heart has “electrical circuits,” you can measure the electrical activity by using a electrocardiograph. The magnetic field produced by the heart is more than 100 times greater in strength than the field generated by the brain and can be detected up to 3 feet away from the body, in all directions’ (Heartmath Institute).
Communication is not only expressed through the external, facial movements, voice qualities, gestures and body movements. It is also subtle and energetic operating just below your conscious level of awareness. When people are engaged in deep conversation, they begin to fall into a subtle dance, synchronizing their movements and postures, vocal pitch, speaking rates and length of pauses between responses important aspects of your wholeness and wounding also can become linked and synchronized with another person. More about the Power of Touch.
More profound than conversation, true connection happens without words.You are broadcasting emotions all the time. Thoughts and feelings are energy frequencies that transcend space and time. You transmit and receive information through your thoughts and feelings all the time. This can be overwhelming. More about The power of thought.
Let go of habitual unconscious and energetic emotional patterns and underlying stress. Learn to replace these with new, healthier patterns that establish increased emotional stability, mental clarity, and balance as a state of being.
Join me on the Heart of Relationships workshop on Sunday 20th May 2018 10 – 4pm in North London Hampstead. £160
Guided meditations with Aisha will help you to open your heart, encouraging you to connect deeply and creatively. Teaching you how to tap into the your own life-force, flow and creativity.
Taking Charge of your Erotic Charge.
Sexual excitement does not just happen; it is generated within you, however unknowingly.
YOU are in charge of your erotic charge, however strongly you might be inclined to think otherwise. It is important to understand this in the context of conscious and intimate relationships. Especially when your mind drifts into an eroticised consideration or encounter with someone other than your partner. At these times, you need to recognise that lingering with such charge (fuelling it and fleshing it out through fantasy, however briefly) is not something you cannot help doing, it is something you are responsible for. It is a choice.
Seeking erotic charge might be something you engage in not to celebrate the connection with your partner, but to distract you from suffering. You might use the erotic charge to compensate for your lack of deep connection, to provide a pleasurably consoling refuge from what is troubling you.
Conscious relationships do not place the erotic charge as central to sex, even though it is at its most intensely alive and vital at this stage of sexual arousal. Whatever its intensity, it is truly healthy as it is being used to serve and deepen the connection with your partner. Great relationships need to be fed and nourished.
Sex remains in its shallow form, until the distance numbness or relationship problem which has been undeniably present has been named, which has been diverting the attention and energy previously devoted to building and maintaining an erotic charge.
A Sense of healthy sexuality does not rely on erotic charge alone. Passion arises not only from stimulation but from intimacy rooted in deep mutual trust. Intimacy relies on the most potent of all aphrodisiacs; wide awake unconditional love, love that is already sentient in openness, communication and connection. Erotic charge between you and your partner, creates genuine intimacy, becomes thrilling and alive, supporting your relationship.
Seeking erotic charge outside your relationship If you are possessed by an erotic charge; overvaluing it to the point where you are considering everything around you as a potential erotic target for your sexual appetite. Can blind you to the nonsexual dynamics that may be giving a charge (or lack of) to the sexual direction you seek. Flirting proclaims your sexual readiness, availability and potency. When you create an erotic charge with someone other than your partner you reinforce the distance between yourself and your partner; you are ensuring that your intimacy will not go any deeper, in fact will likely diminish. It keeps you safely in the shallowness of encounters, regardless of the depths suggested through your eye contact and body language. Animating and indulging your sexual capacity however subtle or discreet keeps intimacy with your partner unstable, dangerously close to betraying your relationship. The option here is not to repress your Erotic Charge, but become conscious of it and your relationship.
You can stop your need to advertise or broadcast your sexual availability and you can stop being bound to creating the intensity of erotic charge and relying on its presence to make yourself feel better. When you move beyond teasing yourself and others with the promise and possibilities of sex, you are in a position to embody a deeper pleasure, that eventually transmutes into ecstasy.
Take charge of your erotic charge – give it enough room and allow it to exist with appropriate boundaries and it will turn into liberated energy.
Taking charge of your erotic charge involves a NO that makes possible a deeper YES. The yes is where joy exists, welcoming all that supports you in embodying what you need in order to have a truly good relationship.
Flirting and or exploring the possibilities of sexual encounters with other people when you are in a relationship is a form of betrayal. The person flirting may discount their partner telling them there is nothing wrong or they are over reacting. In fact, they have little awareness that they are doing something they ought not to be. It exerts a strong pull that keeps the relationship unstable. Depth and true connection come far in behind the promises and opportunities of being sexually pleasured however indirectly. Oddly, this is an important stage in relationship where romanticism and the illusion of true connection and depth is at its strongest. Deflection conveniently turns the attention onto the other person. Denial, avoidance, being too busy changing the subject, silence are all strategies preventing true connection.
When you present a clean exterior and an innocent interior, you keep your egocentricity intact.
In conscious relationships flirting simply disappears, except with your partner, where it takes shape mostly as loving play within erotic charge.
Flirting outside the relationship disappears because the urge for it has no energy left. There is no desire to seek or titillate yourself with the possibility of sexual engagement with anyone other then your partner. Whatever might distract you from your intimacy with your partner simply carries no appeal, there is no need for distractions from the connection with your partner. It allows for a deepening passion, which grows parallel with a deep intimacy you know and gratefully share. Your attention for each other does not wander, nor is it forced, it is natural.
Flirting with anyone other than your partner is a form of erotizing an unresolved wound or insufficiently met need (such as wanting to be wanted). A form of adolescent sexuality – flirting to signal your sexual availability, titillating yourself and increasing your arousal levels without really taking a look at your apparent need to do so.
You would be well versed to explore deeply what turns you off rather than explore your efforts to get turned on.
It does not matter how subtle or removed the flirting is, or whether your partner notices. It is still a betrayal. An irresponsible wondering of attention, making the sexual charge with another person more important than the bond with your partner. You have a choice – a no that makes a possible deeper yes. It is your turning away, that deepens your turning towards, that matters most.
Join me on a weekend workshop that explores erotic charge.
Discover how to connect with your vital energy and experience more flow, more intimacy and more fearlessness in your life.
Many people know the language of Sex without knowing the language of Intimacy.
3rd – 5th March | London NW3| 10 – 4pm | £260
There is no nudity or sexual contact during the workshop.
“Romantic Love delivers us into the passionate arms of someone who will ultimately trigger the same frustrations we had with our parents, but for the best possible reason! Doing so brings our childhood wounds to the surface so they can be healed.” (Harville Hendrix)
One of the greatest relationships secrets you need to understand, to transform your relationships is that every person in your life is a mirror, reflecting backs parts of you. These are templates or idealised images of positive and negative qualities that your parents or caregivers possessed. Unconsciously you are drawn to somebody who has these qualities. In other words, your partner carries some of your shadow.
Your relationships show you what you struggle with and need to work on, they mirror what you have learned to identify or disown during childhood. Superficially these patterns may not appear to be like your parents or care givers, you will however, inevitably experience similar feelings you did as a child. These can be positive feelings of belonging, acceptance, safety and love.
A significant relationship can bring up painful feelings due to more traumatic experiences, which trigger old wounds. Unconsciously, you are seeking out a partner with whom you can heal these wounded parts.
One of the scariest places encountered in relationship is a deep inner sense of how you are not loved, where you do not know you are truly lovable just for being who you are, where you feel deficient and do not know your value. This is the raw wound of the heart, where you are disconnected from your true nature, your inner perfection. Beneath your conditioned and learnt behaviour, exists a basic nature of the human heart which is unconditioned, awake, and present, with a caring, inquisitive intelligence, and openness to reality. These two forces are always at work, and your life hangs in the balance.
It is human nature to contain these two sides, your journey involves working with both. Intimate relationships are a path because they touch both these sides of you and bring them into forceful contact.
Your beliefs about relationships, about men, about women, about love and life in general are all there for you to see in your relationships.
Make a list of frustrations, problems and unmet needs from your parents or caregivers for example;
“she never listened to me and that made me feel…”
“He never had time for me and that made me feel…”.
“No one noticed me or made me feel protected…”
Once you have completed that list, make a list of issues you have with your partner and how they make you feel. Compare the lists and notice any similarities. Discuss with your partner the similarities. When they understand that they have triggered your childhood wounds, you cab do the work needed to keep each other safe and meet each others needs.
Every quality you recognise in your partner, whether you admire it or not, is your mirror; it shows you who you are. The more you dislike a certain quality, the more it shows you a part of your shadow. When your partner acts in a particular way that upsets you, you will find that you too act in the same way, most likely not towards them but towards yourself and probably others. The more a particular action frustrates you, the more it reflects a part of you that you are not owning.
The Turtle and the Hailstorm
You may have a lot in common with your partner, but may be incompatible in how you handle stress and conflict. When it comes to handling stress and conflicts, people’s reactions fall into two categories: minimizers or maximizers.
When minimizers are anxious, they contain their energy and go inside. Like a turtle, they retreat into their shell. When maximizers are anxious, they tend to express themselves loudly. Like a Hailstorm Their energy flows outward and they prefer to process their feelings with others. (Harville Hendrix, “Getting The Love You Want”)
Turtles process slowly and inwardly. From the outside, it looks like not much is happening and as if the person is avoiding rather than addressing the issue. However, the turtle processes their feelings and thoughts quietly on the inside, reflecting carefully before responding. Hailstorms visibly get things done; they love lists.
When a Turtle feels flooded and becomes overloaded, they need to withdraw. This feels like the Turtle disappeared to the Hailstorm making them more anxious, they will start hailing to get their partner’s attention.
Both of you need to learn to accommodate each others differences in how you process difficulties.
The Hailstorm can learn to give the Turtle a little shell time and make them feel safe to come out again soon by letting them know how much they are appreciated and valued.
To entice the turtle, you can,
1. Ask them what they need right now. Sometimes they are not sure, be curious about why they are hiding.
2. Do not do anything; give them space.
3. Write a short note of appreciation and leave it somewhere for them to find.
“Hailstorms hail because they are overwhelmed. They often feel like they are holding the weight of the world. And when you retreat, the Hailstorm feels even more alone. So the minute you hear a rumble, give them your full attention. Offer kindness and support.” (Hendrix)
The fastest way to get the storm to stop is to reassure the Hailstorm, they can rely on you and you will do your part to keep them safe and the sun will shine once again.
To calm the hailstorm
1 Respond! Let them know you are not retreating. Respond with facial expressions, a kind note, a service or gesture that shows them you care how they feel.
2 Listen and repeat back how the Hailstorm is feeling. They might not feel heard. Demonstrate that you are listening and understand them.
3 Ask “Is there something I can do for you?” They need to know you are present and care for them.
Turtles and hailstorms can teach each other what they are each missing to become more whole.
“Turtles need to learn how to push their energy out and how to ‘show up’. This means expressing themselves loudly and clearly, like the Hailstorm does. T
he hailstorms need to learn the turtle’s wisdom of stepping back and containing their energy.” (Hendrix)
Ironically, both partners need to learn how to be more like each other. When you embrace the shadow in relationships you reclaim the parts which you have disowned, you can get closer to each other.
Which do you feel you are in relationship? A Turtle or a Hailstorm?
“As the Turtle becomes more storm like, and the Hailstorm becomes more turtle like, balance is restored”
Join me on the next Couples Retreat
Some of your most basic beliefs about love & intimacy are all wrong.
For over twenty years, I have worked with people from all walks of life, who get stuck in a cycle of pain, disappointment, finding it hard to sustain a healthy relationship. By changing your view of relationships and widening your perspective on intimacy, it creates an opportunity for relationships to not only survive, but thrive!
Love addiction, intimacy avoidant beliefs & patterns of behaviours;
What causes love addiction or avoidance of intimacy?
It is hard to feel love when you are angry. Happiness depends on the quality of your inner life, your thoughts, emotions, beliefs and desires when directed towards finding inner peace and love. In essence, you might develop addictions or avoidance to shield yourself from love, or painful feelings. Suffering with negative, inflexible thoughts and emotions, fraught with anger, resentment and criticism, experiencing a loss of connection, perhaps not having experienced hope or love for a long time. You might expose yourself to a serious emotional vacuum and mistake intensity in a relationship for intimacy and love.
The causes are fairly easy to identify: a history of abandonment, inadequate or inconsistent nurturing without proper bonding, or a lack of emotional connection with a parent rooted in a mature, stable place that nurtures and supports a child. No consistent positive role models of loving relationships. Holding unrealistic fantasises, values and beliefs about love. People struggle with an unconscious fear of of both abandonment and of intimacy.
A quintessential characteristic of avoidance is a person who, consistently keeps an emotional and mental distance from their partner, feels overwhelmed by their partners’ desire for closeness, feels stifled by thoughts or pressures of vulnerability, they rely on escape, through distancing strategies. A person who is blocked from love, both desires and fears relationships, because they did not have a connection in childhood that comforted them, from fear or the emptiness of abandonment, they did not learn that relationships can be healing. People, often create intensity outside of their relationship, to relieve feelings of disconnection and unhappiness.
Conscious Fear Unconscious Fear
Emotional Growth & Intimacy
People who lack emotional maturity, find it hard to deal with their emotions and challenges in life. This is very painful; relationships are often short lived; they find it challenging to maintain relationships of any depth. Compromise is almost impossible, their capacity to understand or respond to another person is limited. They find emotions difficult to handle. In an attempt to avoid feelings, they control their world by creating an idealised version, being extreme in their behaviour, or having black and white thinking. Over coming this mind set is an important part of growing emotionally, which involves learning to develop coping strategies and relationship skills.
Relationships are places where this wound shows up. When you are not in a relationship, you can navigate life on your own terms, addressing your needs and wants. You are rarely confronted by the needs of another person in a meaningful way or need to listen to or contemplate someone else’s experiences. You feel in control, most of the time. When you become involved, you are forced to deal with another persons’ desires and needs. You may struggle and blame other people for your problems, situations or circumstances, for your feelings of anger, sadness and depression, without looking within.
Mr. Brand’s thoughts about Love addiction;
‘At the root of all addiction is narcissism, a constant thrumming attention to self. If you are self-absorbed you are suffering, and if you suffer you seek ways to stop it — through drugs, alcohol, sex, maybe Facebook “likes.’
He goes on to say;
“We are trying to solve inner problems externally — whatever it is in our lives that is missing,” he said. “Eckhart Tolle said it perfectly: ‘Addiction starts with pain and ends with pain.’ Here’s the point. Drugs, booze, sex … It’s not the particular addiction that matters as much as the fact that your life is out of control because of it.
Healing Relationships from love addiction or avoidance of intimacy is a process of self discovery and emotional growth.
Growing emotionally involves; breaking through denial, acknowledging repetitive patterns, owning harmful consequences of behaviour and thoughts, and interrupting the cycle. Only then is it possible to let go and address the underlying emotional pain at the core of this disconnection. If you avoid intimacy, you run away from difficult emotions. Learning to become present and aware of your feelings is important. Have you ever met a person who is sincerely concerned for your well being and is there for you when you need them? This is a compassionate, empathetic and loving person. For some, this comes naturally, for others, it takes work. Empathy is not the same as compassion. You can be compassionate with someone but able to fully understand what they are going through.
When you feel something strongly; struggle, loneliness, self criticism, or insecurity, face it head on. Look at the situation, determine what is making you feel that way, and decide what positive steps you will take next.
A solid relationship with a skilled psychotherapist trained in working with relationships, love and sex addiction can help guide you towards a sustaining a conscious loving relationship.
There are moments in life when everything just seems to feel right.
Things go according to plan, relationships are full of energy and love, and life just flows.
When you feel strong, you feel safe, feeling safe allows you to feel your vulnerability.
FLOW a short and simple word describes a sense of seemingly effortless movement.
When your concentration is focused. Your mind does not wander; you are totally involved in what you are doing. Your energy is flowing very smoothly. You feel relaxed, comfortable, and energetic.
Have you ever felt like that?
A blissful feeling that warms and enlivens you. When you know who you are and what you want in life. When you are on a path to achieving goals that you truly value. You feel excited and motivated. You feel focused and full of energy. You feel connected. You feel alive.
Everything you experience joy or pain, interest or boredom is embodied in both mind and body as information. If you are able to manage this information, you can decide what your life will be like.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” Lao-Tzu
Flow happens when there is order in consciousness. This happens when your energy or attention is invested in realistic goals, and when your skills match the opportunities for taking action.
Flow is a form of energy that can create more positive energy.
Finding your Flow weekend workshop will explore the process of achieving happiness through achieving mastery over your inner life. You will begin by considering how consciousness works, and how it is achieved.
“Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” – Chuang Tzu
Working together, we can find flow by:
• Increasing your self awareness
• Creating new definitions of success
• Setting clear and realistic goals
• Understanding your motivation
• Being proactive
• Not stressing about your performance or trying to force yourself to do things
• Cultivating an environment that is conducive to flow by healthy habits
• Giving yourself enough time
• Minimizing interruptions and distractions
• Being mindful and monitoring your emotional states
• Recognising your achievements
• Practicing gratitude
When you are in flow, you work towards freedom and security. You have balance and direction and you are doing what makes you feel alive.
YOU are responsible for your happiness.
Fear of vulnerability creates tension, being on constant guard, terrified of a future that does not yet exist creates suffering. The belief is that if you are protected or feel safe, you cannot be harmed is not the same as being strong.
No matter how much structure you create in your life, there will always be things that you cannot control; if you allow it, these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress.
When you resist it’s like trying to swim upstream against a strong current getting nowhere. You may end up completely exhausted and out of breath!
The simple solution: learn to go with the flow.
“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
Going with the flow, this means rolling with the punches. Accepting change without getting angry or frustrated. Embracing what life gives you, rather than trying to mold life to be exactly as you want it to be.
Finding your Flow is a fully immersive transformational weekend workshop, where you will be guided finding your flow. Through your senses, sound, movement and stories you will begin to move into flow, enabling the energy of your heart to flow fully. You will journey towards your authentic self finding strength in vulnerability – without the need to hide or run away. When you are in flow you become fully available to yourself and others, opening you up to give and receive love.
London NW3 | 10 -4pmBook Now
When you live from the heart you feel calm and energetic, accomplished, joyful, strong and at ease. Great relationships thrive in this place.
When I work with couples, I observe how they argue. I can tell a lot about whether couples are going to make it and help them move towards more loving and successful relationships. There are changes couples can make in their responses to each other that can make a huge difference to their relationship.
Frequent arguments, lack of communication, fear of conflict, heated exchanges, and avoidance of issues are all common complaints among couples I work with.
The impact of high conflict in relationships creates negative emotions and anxiety for everyone including your children if you have them, your parenting skills are no good when you are arguing.
These are four hostile forms of communication that put couples at high risk for breaking up or divorce when these patterns become habits.
Criticism blame and character attacks general complaining. Antidote stay specific, issue simple complaints using I statements; I feel taken advantage of when….
Defensiveness be aware of your own behaviour; righteous indignation, or being an innocent victim as a way of turning your back on a perceived attack. Defensiveness is destructive because it escalates tension and creates an adversarial interaction. You might feel taken advantage of, just as much as you might not accept your accountability and responsibility in the situation. The antidote, try empathy active listening repeat back what your partner has described as their complaint adding empathy and accepting responsibility.
Contempt bolstered by hostility and anger is damaging, eye rolling and name calling are markers of contempt it is damaging to health and builds a lack of respect. The antidote to this is to build fondness and admiration, express admiration and gratitude to build appreciation and respect.
Stonewalling withdrawing, lack of expression, no emotional connection, monitoring gazes, not listening exiting the room avoiding conflict.
Antidote ask permission to disengage with the conflict if it is too much instead of disengaging in a hostile way and reconnecting in a more connected way. Arranging a time when this is possible.
Flooding John Gottman has a vivid word for this physiological “fight-or-flight” reaction. Flooding occurs when you have hostile arguments where the Four Horseman (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) are allowed free reign.
Physical signs of flooding are; rapid heart rate, high blood pressure, sweating, and the overwhelming urge to leave or to say something hurtful. When flooded, you operate from a self-preservation mind set. You seek mainly to protect yourself from the turmoil of an escalating argument, either by becoming aggressive verbally or physically, or by trying to get away.
Take notice of your partner’s anger to resolve conflict before it erupts.
Recognise the cycle that you have created together, take ownership of your part in that cycle. Change the cycle by interrupting it, by changing your usual response, step back and doing something different. This is often the very opposite of what you feel like doing in the moment.
What fight have you recently found yourself starting? How will you approach the problem in the future?
FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO BOOK A COUPLES APPOINTMENT OR INTENSIVEBook
Get in touch with Aisha directly on 07855 781210
Remerge with your soul on Living from The Heart Chi Kung & Meditation Retreat 7th – 14th SeptemberOrder brings sameness. Chaos brings newness every moment.
There is a lot of chaos and creativity in the world at the moment.
The world is changing at an ever increasing rate.
Globally politics, society, and culture is in the midst of transformation, old structures are no longer working.
Your personal Renaissance
Renaissance periods happen after a time of great darkness. things “seem” to be getting darker, those with the light within them are shining even brighter, and searching for answers beyond the veil of corruption.
The Renaissance changed the world in just about every way you can think of. Each new intellectual advance paved the way for further advancements.
Consciousness is the product of carefully balanced chaos.
There are times in life when you may feel motivated, ambitious, eager, and anticipatory. Great strides can be made in many different aspects of your life as a mental renaissance takes place…the cold, hard, dark age of the mind is over and a new light; the light of innovation; shines down upon your mental and emotional landscape, giving birth to something quite extraordinary.
Do you feel called to look inward for answers?
I am a great believer that life always offers you an opportunity for greater consciousness, if you can see that everything in your life is there in support of your growth.
It is said that humans, are a small universe interacting with the ‘big’ universe.
As a Psychotherapist, I know well how the mind can either heal us or harm us. Your thoughts are potent and can affect you profoundly.
In meditation, I have practiced shifting the monkey mind; which is constantly chatting about negative thoughts and worry; into a loving calm energy of the heart.
Join me for Living from The Heart Retreat in Portugal 7th – 14th September chi kung, meditation, retreat. It will be a Soul boosting Week of Personal & Professional Development with +30 hours of CPD (if required)
Fill your life with renewed energy, feel alive, increase your awareness with careful attention and balance of meditation and activity.
Evaluating your belief system and developing a positive one that nurtures your mind, body, and spirit may help you find more loving calm and peaceful experiences with yourself and in your relationships.
Free yourself from your worries. Do you sometimes ask yourself?
During the week on the chi kung, meditation, retreat you will;
Find freedom from stress and enter a calm, relaxed and natural state of clarity
On the chi kung & meditation, retreat; you will cultivate a sustained and gentle attentiveness to the movement and stillness of body, heart and mind. As you bring investigation and kindness to this constantly changing experience of life, the entanglements that bind you become more visible, allowing you to soften and open to the simple perfection of the moment.
Through this cultivation you can access a spaciousness, which allows your natural compassion and wisdom to become more available to you.
The Chi Kung practice is very much part of a meditative inquiry, using simple standing and moving exercises suitable for all levels of experience and health
The retreat will be run in a tranquil location in the forested hills of Central Portugal, situated far from the crowds, just 3 km from the beautiful ‘Castelo de Bode’ lake and 8 km from the small town of Cernache de Bonjardim. The small valley is surrounded by eucalyptus, pine and oak. The trees full, lush foliage create masses of the Qi or Chi (pronounced chee) life force that deflects toxic energy. The old manor house which has been lovingly restored with many of the original features preserved, provides en-suite bedrooms.
Attend alone, bring your partner, friend or family member to a build a more successful relationship or rejuvenate an existing one.
Bring all aspects of your physical, emotional, energetic, mental and spiritual bodies back into alignment and harmony.
This week is open to both individuals and couples.
On this intimate retreat, you will clear anger, resentments, disappointments and grievances to move towards expansion and growth.
Working within a group allows you to explore your history to create a future of experiences where you are the director of your life, creating a new context within which to live your life.
You will experience a calm oasis within a small valley surrounded by eucalyptus, pine and oak Trees. Full of of chi, Trees with full, lush foliage create masses of the Qi or Chi (pronounced chee) life force that deflects toxic energy. A wonderful place to Heal the Heart.The environment lends itself to profound healing and meditative work to gain perspective and healing introspection.
There will be a heart-expanding exploration within the group work, meditations, reflective exercises and mind and body practices. The morning session will usually consist of breath work and Chi Kung; the afternoon sessions will be a mixture of meditation and various group exercises centered on healing the heart with time to digest the work and complete self directed tasks allowing time to stop and stare, while enjoying the surroundings of forested hills and nearby lakes and rivers.
There are places in the world, where you can feel the connection with the divine one of them is Dornes by the Lakes and rivers, known for its strong energy field. Such a place can provide answers to a long unanswered questions and make you feel the energy on a more concentrated spiritual level.
Living from the Heart:
T 07855 781 210
Aisha Ali is a much sought after relationship specialist. She is known for her intuitive insight, she is very skilled at getting to the core of issues and helping individuals and couples transform unwanted repeated patterns. Her clients experience support clarity, awareness and a sense of peace, balance and accomplishment.